Is Celibacy a Doorway to Sexual Healing?
In this episode, Chandresh shares the tantra perspective on celibacy. There is a lot of conversation from the psychological, spiritual, and religious points of view on celibacy. Many people think that maybe celibacy is a requirement to go deeper into spirituality.
Chandresh discusses questions like if it is required to go deeper into spirituality? How to cultivate celibacy? Is it something that can be taught or something that can happen naturally? What exactly is celibacy and what is it not? What are the problems that occur if you do not go deeper into understanding your celibate nature? What are the solutions and energy outlets that might start to open up if you do understand your celibate nature?
Check out this week’s episode to hear solutions to each of these questions and more!
Episode Transcript
Chandresh: Take a deep breath, relax your breathing, relax your thoughts, and take a moment to reflect on how do you relate to your sexual energy? How do you relate to the sex in your relationships? How do you relate to the idea of celibacy and abstinence? Do you think celibacy is good for you? Do you ever wonder if you should try it? Who would be celibacy for? Should you go celibate when working on a specific work project? Is there a way you can have children while still being celibate?Chandresh:So many questions, so many curiosities around the idea of celibacy. And my hope is in this episode, we get to explore, reflect, and meditate upon the different dimensions of celibacy. And I hope by the end of this episode, something new, something revolutionary opens up for you. I am Chandresh Bhardwaj, and this is Break the Norms.Chandresh:Namaste everyone. I hope you're doing well. A quick reminder to visit leelagurukul.com and sign up there so that you get to know when we announce the applications and the first meditation course and all other good stuff on Leela Gurukul. Also I have started doing the live meditations, totally free, on Instagram of Leela Gurukul. Join me there every Sunday morning 8:30am Pacific Time, 11:30am Eastern Time. And I hope this will be clear for all other timezone friends who are not in the East Coast or West Coast. But we always set the timer on the Instagram page. So even if you are not fully sure what would be your time, just go to the Instagram for Leela Gurukul and you will know what time it's happening in your country.Chandresh:And now the topic for today. Celibacy. It's a topic that I have been hearing a lot for all these years. There's not even, I think, a week when I don't get a message from someone who has a curiosity or a question about celibacy.Chandresh:There are many stories, many lessons that I have witnessed, experienced, with this whole subject of celibacy. If you have read my book, I have written an entire chapter on sexual energy. It's titled From Kama Sutra to Calm Sutra. And when the book was released, this chapter got separate review. There was review of the entire book and then they were reviewing this chapter. Because the truth is, sex always sells, it always attract in your eyeballs, and audience and readers and listeners. And I was surprised that no wonder why publishers always want me to do an entire book on sexual energy rather than on spirituality, or the spiritual perspective on all things on sexual energy. Chandresh:But here we are today, I hope this conversation on celibacy really invites a new revolution. And this is second time in this episode I've use the word revolution because that's absolutely what my intention is for you. And I call it revolution because that's exactly what could happen if you really understand the essence of this topic today. And if this discussion, this conversation invites new questions, new reflections, do not hesitate to email us. Simply go to cbmeditates.com. That's my website and write down questions there. Because I feel if you dive deeper into the subject, there will be questions showing up. Also in Leela Gurukul, there are planning and executions going to happen to go deeper in these kinds of subjects. And that's what excites me about the whole concept of Leela School as well, because otherwise I cannot go into these topics on that deeper level. Chandresh:Now, those who are unaware or confused about what celibacy is, and if celibacy and abstinence is the same thing, I'll take a quick moment to define what celibacy is. So, celibacy is defined as the voluntary vow of sexual abstinence. It could also mean that you remain unmarried. It really looks different to each person. Many people I know, or you could say the people who come from certain religion, many of them practice celibacy because of religious reasons. But in the New Age spirituality, it has become sort of a trend.Chandresh:And abstinence is not really similar to celibacy. Abstinence is defined as the decision to not have sex. Abstinence could be for a specific period of time, could be for months, weeks, maybe a year. Celibacy could go on for entire lifetime but abstinence doesn't go on for that lifetime. But if you know my way of describing these things, I do not go into the labels, I think these are just different human manmade labels between celibacy, abstinence, and there's a third one called NoFap, which means you stop watching the porn and stop masturbation. So that's NoFap. And that's the most, I think, latest or the most hip trend in understanding sexual energy. And it's spelled as N-O-F-A-P, if you want to Google and dive deeper into it. NoFap is mostly about masturbation, and all other sexual behaviors, basically.Chandresh:And I read somewhere on celibacy that you could have masturbation in celibacy. But that's not true. And that's why we have to go deeper into this topic. It's something that I really feel each one of us has to go deeper and really have normal conversations around this topic. And I hope you listen to this with open heart, open awareness, and create some shift in how you handle your emotional energy and your sexual energy.Chandresh:So I'll start with this quick story that happened to someone I know. I'm sharing that story because that's the most common frequent occurring episode of celibacy that I encounter. And even on social media, or in person, this is the most common encounter that I've seen. An incident happened with someone I know. She used to come to my talks on and off. And I met her after one of the talks, and she said, "Chandresh, I'm going into complete celibacy. Do you have any thoughts? Do you recommend this or you don't?" And when people ask me either "yes" or "no," my answer is always "no."Chandresh:Because the way they understand celibacy, and the way I define celibacy, there are two different planets. So if I say "yes," that would not be what I recommend. So I instantly say "no," unless there's room for discussion, and we are having 30, 40 minute minimum discussion on this and they are curious. But in many cases, people simply show up with the decision that they are doing it. So I just share my feedback, which is "no," don't do it. And if you follow my Instagram, you would know that whenever people ask me these questions about celibacy on those Instagram Q&A, I usually respond with "no" to celibacy. But by the way, my answer is "yes" to celibacy. But that's why I need your time and patience for this episode. And listen why I'm going to say "yes," in this episode, and why I have always said "no," on the social media platforms. Chandresh:So this particular person, she asked me I said, "I don't recommend it." She said, "But I have already decided. I feel universe is telling me this. I have all the signs." And I said, "Why you're doing it?" And she said, "All the past relationships, they have been terrible, exhausting. And I feel my sexual energy is depleted so much. And the only way I can heal and really recharge is going into complete celibacy. I'm going to become a healer." And I asked, "Is that the only reason?" And she said, "Yep, pretty much I am just exhausted with how men treat me and how my experience in one relationship after another has gone, and I'm going to complete celibate, I'm moving out of New York, I'm going to be staying in the jungles in the wild. And that's going to be my life, basically." And I said, "Sure."Chandresh:Few months later, I got a message from her and the tone of message was a bit scary. She asked me to meet her. And it felt as if something really terrible has happened. And I know her, she usually wouldn't say that she wants to meet and she would usually text. That's how I think most modern meetings happen nowadays. So I was a bit concerned why she wants to meet and I immediately said, "Yes." And I took out time to see her the same day. When I saw her, her face looked sad. There was sadness, there was frustration, there was no glow, no happiness or bliss on her face. Her eyes looked just exhausted. Chandresh:And first thing I asked was, "Is everything all right? Are you okay?" And she said, "Things are not alright. And the reason I reached out to you, because you were the one person who recommended not to go celibate. And I feel what has happened is a result of me going celibate. And I just didn't know whom to reach out." And I said, "Tell me what happened." Then she said the first few days with this whole celibacy were great. She was making videos about it, writing blogs, podcast, and she was getting great feedback from community. And it was encouraging her.Chandresh:And then she joined this spiritual community. I'm not going to mention the name of the city where she joined the spiritual community. But she was in a place of nature, where there were a lot of spiritual seekers. And they would meditate, they would sing songs, it was really one of those free mind, free spirit communities. And she said it was going great. And then she came across a man there who was also practicing celibacy, "That's what he told me. And we would meditate together, we would discuss life and within just two, three days, we started feeling really intense toward each other. And one morning, we decided to go for hiking. And when we reached to the top of mountain, we had sex there."Chandresh:And I said, "Okay, is that the problem that you had sex?" And she said, "It's the beginning of problem. After I had sex with him I felt terrible guilt, because I had announced to the world that I'm going celibate, and it didn't stay for too long. And the worst that happened was, we would have sex every day, multiple times a day." And then she was like, "I don't even know why or how this strong urge of having sex was coming from, because usually I wouldn't be this intense about it." And when it kept on happening unconsciously, multiple times a day. She was confused but she said, "It just kept on happening."Chandresh:And then one day, she decided to speak to him that we are clearly so intense with each other, and where is this going? Where do you think our journey is going? And this man said, "I actually wanted to speak to you about this because the truth is, I have three kids, I am married. And I was in this community for sort of a retreat kind of place away from my family. But I felt this past life connection with you and all the usual spiritual stuff that you would hear, past life, soulmates, twin flames, everything happened, and it resulted in that whole sexual encounter."Chandresh:And she said this, "If I had to really rank the worst relationship experiences, this would be the top one. And the reason I went into celibacy was to get away from those terrible experiences. And the one that unfolded is the worst of all." And she said, "I'm just confused why this would happen? What's the reason for it?"Chandresh:And I told her, "It doesn't matter. You go celibate, or you sit next to Buddha or hang out with Jesus Christ, the truth is your ideology, your suppression, your fears, your doubts, they all are going to travel with you wherever you go. Until you do not understand the root cause, until you don't address the root energy, everything will remain the same. It's simply going to be same script with different actors. That's the only difference. You could go to India, Bali, California, New York, Australia, it doesn't matter. The similar script will repeat with different faces."Chandresh:And this is the situation that I have witnessed in plenty of cases. In fact, anyone who has ever reached out to me that they are going celibate, this is how mostly it has ended. It has ended in a very ugly, confused, complex mix of the sexual energy. It has left them even more disappointed, guilt, shameful, and all those terrible emotions that they didn't want to ever experience. And this is one of the reasons I wanted to make this podcast today.Chandresh:I think the collective narrative around sexual energy is just terrible. There is shame, guilt, anger, confusion attached with the sex and the sexual energy. The concept of celibacy is just one of those byproduct of it. I'm going to bring tantra here and share the tantra perspective on celibacy. And I hope that will help you. Chandresh:In the eastern traditions, we define celibacy as brahmacharya, that's the Sanskrit word for it. The literal translation of brahmacharya means "the lifestyle of divine." "Brahma" means "the divinity." "The divine consciousness." And brahmacharya, the last four words, "charya" means "the lifestyle," "the way of the divine," "the lifestyle of the divine." And when we talk about celibacy, this is what we mean that celibacy means you attain and cultivate the lifestyle of the divine. You cultivate that divine consciousness.Chandresh:Nowhere it says that it means you should only suppress sex, you should only control the sexual energy. Brahmacharya is one of the most powerful experiments around your sexual and emotional energy. But it does not mean that you randomly wake up one morning and decide to cut down the sexual energy take. I also met many people who consider themselves celibate, but they would indulge in masturbation or mutual masturbation with the partners and all that stuff. So that's definitely not celibacy. Chandresh:What would be celibacy really? Celibacy would be indulging in the experience of life with absolute awareness. So it could be sexual energy, emotional energy, it could be your relationship with food. It could be anything that you do, but you do it in a complete awareness. Celibacy or the brahmacharya it definitely encourages you that you understand how you relate to your behavior with sex, or with food intake, or with meditation, your sadhana, all of those elements. And accordingly, you channel the energy. I think, because we are so obsessed and so stuck in the sexual department, we don't go beyond it. And then we start miss handling the whole journey of brahmacharya or celibacy.Chandresh:First thing to understand is, why exactly you are interested in going celibate? The "why" is very important. It's important in every aspect of life, why you are indulging in anything. It could be starting a new business, new relationship, it could be ending a relationship, it could be going off social media. Anything you do, don't forget to address the most basic fundamental question, why? Because we usually fight the symptoms, and we don't address the roots. Chandresh:So those who are even interested in going celibate, you got to ask yourself, why am I doing it? If I'm not going to indulge in sexual behavior, or maintaining a balanced diet, or really maintaining a very mindful exchange of energy with the people around me, why exactly I'm doing it. I would recommend do not do it only because you are either exhausted with the unconscious pattern in your relationships, do not do it if you're bored or just feels like something cool and hip to do. The reasons have to be really deeper, really profound, otherwise, this experiment will go wrong. And it might end up messing things more than ever. So first, meditate on the "why" of this experience, because it's only after that you will really understand the root of it, you'll understand the flow of it, and that's the only way you can actually sustain it for a very good amount of time.Chandresh:I do not recommend when people do it for religious reasons, or when they do it out of some force or some ideology imposed on them that you should be doing it, or because in yoga they don't recommend it, or any religion they don't recommend, or you are doing a certain project so this is something you have to do it. Why you want to punish yourself because you are doing a project? It should arise out of love, out of playfulness, and not out of just some sort of punishment you're doing. Because let's say I'm working on Leela Gurukul, or I'm writing a book on tantra, and I say I'll go complete celibate until Leela is out, until this book on tantra is out, this is going to be my sacrifice, then it's going to feel like a punishment. And either I'll start hating the project I'm working on, or my relationship with my sexual energy will go terrible. It should not arise because I'm simply into that sacrifice mode.Chandresh:My take is, you indulge in meditation, you build a relationship with your awareness. And when that transformation starts to happen, then celibacy could happen as a result of it. That's what I recommend. And the reason I recommend celibacy is because it will teach you how to live in balance, it will teach you how to indulge in every experience of life with absolute full awareness. Because the way we handle our sexual energy, our physical energy, or emotional energy, it's even worse than animals. I don't even need to bring up any data. Just you could read the news for the last week, or the last two months, last six months. The humanity has given enough data, enough scary data to remind us that we are basically worse than animals. We are unconscious, angry, and just not ready to dive deeper. Chandresh:The idea of diving deeper feels great. And the ideas feel great because we are not implementing them yet. And if you notice, if there is something very sacred and deeper in your life, you don't discuss about it so much because it's just who you are. When we discuss or talk a lot about something, usually those are the ideas that we have not implemented in our life so much and that's why the urge of discussing them keeps showing up. But when something is natural, effortless part of you, it doesn't show up in discussions because it's just who you are. And the challenge with sexual energy, emotional energy is similar, because we have not been able to handle these energies within us. Chandresh:That's why The Self-Help Books, The Self Help Podcast and all these ideas and discussions become so popular because we have not gone deeper into it, but the ideas around it sounds amazing. So one reason I recommend that you should go into the celibacy is because we need to understand the powerful existence we are. We need to understand the enormous power of our awareness, because otherwise, we are going to waste our time in experiencing this life through this physical existence. This physical existence is a medium, it's a vehicle. It can take you from point A to B. It's not the destination, it's a bridge. So use this bridge to experience your fundamental power.Chandresh:I know if you're listening to this episode, there's a good chance that you are ambitious, or you are very curious to explore your spirituality, you are curious to unleash your potential. That's probably one of the reasons why you're still here. It's been 26 minutes, and you're still listening. The reason is because you're curious.Chandresh:So to translate this curiosity into a tangible success, start doing the tough work. The tough actions that others are not doing. Because the way we handle our sexual and emotional energy, it results in the leakage of our energy. And that leakage of energy is basically something that's happening unconsciously.The experiment of celibacy is basically the journey in the act of creating a new layer of aura or a conscious force around us. This conscious force enables clarity, courage, creativity, and it enables that buildup of your energy into some powerful outlets. Chandresh:And this is first time I'm recommending something so sacred, something so powerful on a podcast platform, because I think we are approaching a time that if we do not take this big of an action, we might lead ourselves into just self destruction. We might just become worse than animals in the jungle. In fact, animals in the jungle are handling their wildness in a much more amazing way. Until they are domesticated then their life is pretty much done, the moment humans start to tame them. You don't want to become unconscious sexual and emotional creature. If you don't want to do that, start understanding the journey of your emotional and sexual energy.Chandresh:Celibacy cannot be forced. This whole experiment cannot be forced. What needs to happen is you making a conscious decision that if I go deeper into it, it will be subtle, organic, and something that you will enjoy understanding about your existence. My way is not the way of going celibate and then start to meditate, my way is first, start to meditate. Secondly, each time the urge happens, the urge of sex or even the urge of food, the urge of any impulsive reaction, pause, observe, and then proceed. Because first step has to be meditation because otherwise it all will become just a terrible reaction to everything. If there is a strong foundation of meditation, then it will be easy for you, or at least easier, to just understand why these urges are showing up. Chandresh:And each time any urge shows up, then you respond to it with a creative solution. If there's sexual urge showing up, give yourself a creative outlet. I'm not going to talk so much about the food aspect of it in this episode because this kind of celibacy has to do with the sexual energy management a lot. But you can apply the same principle to the emotional or the physical reactions, or impulses that show up.Chandresh:So each time you feel the urge to either indulgent in sex or masturbation or any of sexual behavior act, ask yourself, why am I going for it? Am I bored? Is it just been few days? Because you might realize that you have been treating your sexual energy like a sneeze, when the tension builds up you just want to release it. And again, after a few days, the tension builds up, again you release it. If that's what is happening, let's change the pattern. Let's change the pattern to understanding the build up and then giving yourself creative task. It could be gardening, new business project, running, working out, writing, speaking, or creating something super new that you always wanted to, but just avoided.Chandresh:It's because of that leakage of energy that we go into this repetitive unconscious pattern of doing things. And we all have done that. There is no shame in not admitting it. We are humans, and we all have done that, we all have gone into leakage of energy, we all have indulged in unconscious reputation, just the habits. Like I know many couples who have this calendar of sex. So every Friday night, they have to have sex. And I was speaking to this person and I said, "I don't recommend this sex calendar, but does it work out for you?" And he was like, "To be very honest, it's terrible. Because when I am traveling for business, and if it's Friday 9pm, I'll be just horny. And yeah, it's terrible, because my body is on that sex clock." Chandresh:It's like Pavlov's dog. You have to Google this Pavlov's dog experiment if you haven't heard of it. It's basically training your mind, wiring your mind for a certain behavior. So whenever that happens, you feel the urge of that behavior. So people who masturbate on a certain day or certain time or before sleeping, they'll do it out of habit. It's a habit. It's not even urge. So if you're doing it out of a conscious urge, how delicious is that? But when it's happening out of habit, you are actually wasting the energy for no reason. Chandresh:I'm thinking of this episode from the office. I don't know how many of you have seen it, but I have to mention it here. So in the episode, Kelly was in relationship with Ryan and Ryan broke up with Kelly. So Kelly is now dating this guy, Darryl, from warehouse. And each time Ryan steps into office, Kelly starts making out with Darryl just to make Ryan jealous. And Darryl, who otherwise doesn't get any sex from Kelly he said, "This is so terrible. And I have to put an end to it. Because each time Ryan walks in the office, I start to feel horny because I know now Kelly is going to kiss me."Chandresh:This is what happens my friend when sex is happening as a habit, as impulsive reaction and nothing powerful is happening there. What we carry within this whole sexual energy is enormously powerful force. And what I'm suggesting you is a subtle, gentle, mindful, experiment with your sexual energy.Chandresh:If you're a single person, no partner, understand your sexual behaviors. It could be casual sex, masturbation, do not give in to the impulsiveness right away, but rather pause, observe, and proceed how you could change something. Maybe instead of seven times a week, do it for three times. And if you're doing three, then do it for one. A subtle, gentle change will be very powerful. But before you do the changes, meditation is important. But without meditation, I do not recommend this at all. Chandresh:And if you are in a relationship or married, then communicate with your partner. That in order to really cultivate a powerful sacred sexual energy between us, let's start channeling it in a much more powerful way. Because also, the basic truth is which I personally feel the other person. It could be if you're straight, then the opposite sex or whatever preference you have in your sexual partners. The other person is not a sexual object. They should not be seen as always the sexual objects, they should be seen as human beings. But when we indulge in mindless sexual behaviors, the other people, the other humans, they are reduced to a sexual object and we do not get to know or see anything in them. And I think that's such a shameful thing. It's such a tragedy, that you may never get to know a person because for you, it's nothing but sexual object. That's all. And that's why this results in an experience with terrible sex, half baked emotional intimacy, and all those complex, half baked things. That should not be the case.Chandresh:If you are in a relationship, discuss with your partners that how we could really honor and understand our sexual urge. Maybe we should indulge in more creative acts, maybe we should indulge in more emotional intimacy. Because celibacy doesn't mean you turn off the sex button overnight, it means that you will ultimately arrive at a state of awareness where everything is unfolding with absolute awareness. It could be sex, it could be conversations, could be food, could be meditation, everything is on that divine consciousness level.Chandresh:And then finally, I want to talk about having children and still being celibate. I hope by now you don't think this is absurd thought to even happen. That how can a celibate person have kids? Or how can you celebrate couple can have kids?Chandresh:See, if you take Uber from your home to the airport, what does that Uber car, the taxi, represent? It's a vehicle. It's a medium that takes you from point A to B. And do you keep sitting in the vehicle and get attached and obsessed with it that you don't want to leave it? I hope you don't do that.Chandresh:In the case of sexual energy, in the case of having sex for children, sex is the vehicle. It's the medium to have children. And when you use sex as a vehicle, as a medium to have children, you go much beyond the lust of sex, and you dive deeper into the sacredness of it. Because the unfortunate truth is, children are happening accidentally. There are very few couples I know who have planned children or who have conceived children through the act of meditation, through the act of complete awareness. Mostly, it's just the result of her one night of sex. Chandresh:I remember Jerry Seinfeld once shared and his stand up act that you don't want to know about your parents having sex, because how would you feel if they tell you, you will basically result of that one night when I drank too much and then you happened? And I think, because there are so many unexpected, unwanted, accidents that happen, that's why the relationship, the connection between children and parents, it's not the most mindful, not the most healing, not the most joyful, and how could it be? If there is unwanted guest in your house, how would you feel? Chandresh:So I feel... And I'm sorry if this is triggering or harsh to some people to hear this, but it's important that we understand this. I have spent the last 12 to 14 years of my life in listening to this kind of trauma that people have gone through. And the harsh truth is, many of these children and the bonding between parents and children, it was accidental, random, none of that was conceived in awareness. Because to begin with, the one vehicle that's supposed to create children, the vehicle of sex, even that's seen with terrible lens. It's not respected at all. So if the vehicle itself is not respected, anything that comes out of it will not be seen with love as well.Chandresh:And interesting part is when you indulge in that sacred celibacy, and then decide to have sex, to conceive a child. That child will have very different quality. Your bond with that child will be very different. And I have witnessed this kind of setup where the couple will go through meditation, intentions, the complete spiritual work to conceive children, and that's a completely different powerful intimacy level. And that's what I call celibate couples having children. That's going to be a different quality.Chandresh:It's going to be over 40 minutes, so I'm going to end the podcast now. But I truly hope all of this invites you into questioning and reflecting upon how you have been handling your sexual energy. And I hope it changes something in your being. I hope it creates the revolution that needs to happen and how we handle our sexual and emotional energies.Chandresh:Be safe everyone, be well. And I'll speak to you next week.
Useful Links
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