Make Someone Feel Safe
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In this episode, Chandresh shares a human behavior dynamic. Sometimes we give symptoms or signs and others say that you can’t be trusted or are not ready to be a part of the group, but the truth is maybe they are not feeling safe or ready yet. If you judge them too quickly, you will take away the opportunity for yourself and them to learn something really important.
In this episode, Chandresh asks people to reflect upon some fundamental questions. How do I make others feel safe? Do I feel safe with myself? What is my love language and the love language of the people I surround myself with?
This episode is a reminder of how you respond to the vulnerability and energies of others, and an encouragement to check in with how you interact with others and make them feel safe.
Episode Transcript
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
Breathe in, breathe out, relax. Bring the awareness on your heart and ask yourself, "Do I feel safe with myself? How do I want to be loved? How do I want to be understood? Do I make others feel safe? Do I make any effort to understand their love language?" Reflect upon these questions during this podcast, and even after it's over. I am Chandresh Bhardwaj, and this is Break the Norms.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
Namaste everyone. I hope you're doing well. Few quick announcements. You can join me for live meditations every Sunday on Leela Gurukul Instagram page. The link is in show notes. These live experiences honestly have been unfolding in such a beautiful way. I have always been doing live meditations, live talks, but there's something beautiful about the energy of Leela Gurukul, I think, because I show up with a lot of reverence in my heart, and the people who are joining in, they joined with a lot of gratitude and sincerity. I think that energy just unfolds into something really beautiful, and these meditations are turning out to be really amazing. The applications will be open in few weeks, hang in there, stay patient. It's going to be really good. You'll be very happy with what you will see in Leela Gurukul. I assure you that.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
Second announcement, we will be having few slots opening up in a one-on-one guidance program with me. Because of Leela, my energy, my time has to be distributed in a much more mindful, conscious way. So when you send an email for one-on-one guidance program, we will send you a questionnaire to fill, and I will speak to you for 10, 20 minutes to understand if you are a better fit for Leela or for the one-on-one guidance program, because one-on-one guidance program is very deep. It's intense. It goes way deeper into your work and it's personalized. It's one-on-one, and Lila is a group experience. So keeping that in mind, if you feel you are ready for one-on-one deeper guidance program, do reach out to us at info@breakthenorms.com or just go to my website, cbmeditates.com and fill the form on the contact page.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
So getting into the topic for today, I'm curious to know if you ever questioned if you make yourself feel safe and strong, if you make yourself feel trustworthy. This is in context with how you relate to yourself. And I feel the more you will dive into your healing work, the more the need will arise of building an actual relationship with yourself, treating yourself as the number one person who needs care, wonder ability, healing, recharging, because if you are strong and aware, only then you can help others. Very simple, right? I will get into the talk about making yourself feel safe, but I want to share a story that inspired today's episode. When this incident happened, I truly think I'll never be able to share this with anyone. And I have not. It's first time I'm sharing it right here in this podcast. I didn't feel comfortable in sharing this with anyone because it felt wonderful. It felt, I don't know, too exposed emotionally because that's how I felt when it happened. So I'll just share with you and we'll see where it goes.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
So I go to different drug rehabs and various places to speak in on a weekly basis, and I've always said the most raw experience of human emotions happen at the rehab facilities. The least one happens in the spiritual communities because in the so-called spiritual communities, they are trying too hard to connect to divine, but in a place like rehab facility, they are being who they are in that process. They end up connecting with their higher self in such a beautiful effortless way. This was at a particular rehab where it happened. I will not be able to share details about where this rehab is or the person who's going to be mentioned in this particular story to just protect their privacy.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
I go to multiple rehabs, and in this particular rehab, there is this person who would come to my talk, and the moment he would sit, he starts to doze off into sleeping and eventually completely fall asleep and then start to snore. And everyone around him was not happy, they would wake him up. Sometimes they would be angry, sometimes they would be annoyed. So he had to face all these emotions from his fellow people, and he would always apologize to them, but personally, to me after every talk. He would come, he would say, "Chandresh, I don't mean to sleep. I don't know what happened." And I would say, "That's fine. We don't need to apologize at school." This is something I've seen at not just rehabs, but in many cases where people sometimes fall asleep, and they fall asleep in a particular kind of mantra and meditation in my talk. And I know what is happening, and I'm going to explain you that. So there's nothing to fix or judge there. And I would say, "Yep, that's cool," and I would just get done with my work and move out.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
One day, he was really energetic and he said, "Chandresh, I'm really prepared today and I will not fall asleep. And I said, "Great. And just so you know, if you do, that's also cool." Long story short, within one minute, he again fell asleep, and others around him, some of them were laughing, some of them were angry, some of them were compassionate, but he was very angry with himself. And he said, "I don't know what happens. Maybe I'm not designed to meditate, maybe this is just something I have to live with. I don't know why I keep falling asleep." And I felt maybe I need to share my take on this so-called sleep because I think he'll be too tough on himself otherwise.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
So I shared with him, I said, "We all carry our own emotional being, our grudges, resentments, our own stories in our body. And sometimes these grudges and fair and suppression happens even before you were born, when you were just conceived. Sometimes this grudge and fair happens in the first seven years of your life, and you may not remember the details, but when you step into meditation or deeper healing work, that stored stress releases itself through many outlets." I've had students for whom I have advised go to the peak of mountain and just scream. I've had students where I've told them do nothing but just right. Do nothing but just dance. There is different formula for different kind of journey that they're on. And I shared with him and everyone that day that it's all right to sleep during meditation at times.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
And I'm not recommending sleeping is always okay in meditation, being aware and alert is the way to sleep into meditation, but there will be experiences when you will be falling asleep and that's just way of your body to respond to the stress. Sometimes the body will release this stress by crying, sometimes by laughing, sometimes by meditating for hours, sometimes it could be just being in nature. Our system is highly intelligent. If you allow it to do its job, it will do its job. So there's certain kind of suppression and toxic energy, trauma that releases itself through sleep. This is a very initial stage. After that, the sleeping doesn't happen. Also, many times sleeping happens because your brain doesn't know what to do when you start to meditate and it starts to get bored. As a result, it will just fall asleep.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
This may not be directly connected to healing because you're simply feeling bored because you have never meditated before. But for this particular person, I was explaining that, "I truly feel there is deep trauma that you are releasing slowly, so don't rush, don't beat yourself, don't judge yourself. It's all cool. And everyone in the room is super compassionate with you. Even the people who are laughing, they're your friends, they're just teasing you." And they were. They were not really making fun of him. No one makes fun really in a rehab facility, especially if it's mature people really willing to bring a change.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
And when he heard that, I could see his face started to just mellow down. He became really emotional, but also self-awareness showed up in his face. He said, "Did someone tell you my story?" I said, "No, what's your story? I mean, I come to my talk and I leave as soon as the talk is over. So I haven't stayed enough here to know your story, but also it's sort of unethical to ask about your story from others. I'd rather either hear it from you, or it will show up whenever it has to show up." So he said he was in a job of very demanding, intense, very confidential job. I cannot mention the name here, but he said in that job, his duty was to stay awake all night because it was a very highly secure place he had to be at, and it was a matter of life and death if he falls asleep.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
And I said, "If you would fall asleep, was that a major thing gone wrong? Was that really, really wrong?" He said, "It's terrible. It brings embarrassment, shame. But also, it's just almost internal crime to fall asleep while doing that because it's just wrong and you punish yourself through just judging yourself all day. So I trained myself not to fall asleep at all." And he said, "After the job is over, now I have PTSD. And this post traumatic stress disorder, it started to show up in a major way, and I cannot fall asleep and this is what's happening. But for some reason, I fall asleep the moment you come and you start to talk."
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
I said, "Many months ago, I was at a different rehab facility and there was a young boy, maybe 22, 23-year old. He was doing the same thing. He would fall asleep." That was a younger group, and his friends were really judgmental of him and they were like, "Oh, what are you doing? It's spiritual talk, meditation." And I have to say, I get a lot of love from these rehabs. So I think the selfish reason for me, is also to just experience that love and that group was just so sweet. They were like, "Oh, Chandresh is here. You're sleeping. You cannot do this." And poor guy would try so hard to stay awake.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
One day, no one was there, and this young guy told me that he was in prison for many years. In his prison, he could not stand really, he could just barely fall asleep. It was a very small cell, and he said, "It was a trauma for me to sleep. And he spent all his time in jail and not sleeping. The moment they'll open the gate, the door, he would step out in the field to work, and he would just take naps out in the day. But he said sleeping was a trauma there, but somehow when you are there, I fall asleep. And this is what happened.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
So I was sharing this young boy's story to this man, and this man, he's in his 60s, really big dude. He was in a job where they needed some really strong, muscular, macho man kind of person, and he was. He is that, six feet plus, really big, muscular, strong. And when he heard the story, I could see the tears are rolling down his face. I said, "Are you okay? What happened?" He said, "I was not in a prison, but my job was so demanding, so heavy that sleeping was a trauma for me too. And I can tell you why I fall asleep the moment you are here." I said, "Why? Tell me." He said, "Because you make me feel safe." He said, "It's not the meditation, it's not the mantra you do, your presence. Your presence makes me feel safe."
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
And I did not know how to answer that. I was not ready for this, that six feet plus, strong, macho man kind of person sitting there, telling me that my presence makes him feel safe. I could not say anything. I just did not see anything. I had to wait for a week to thank him and reminding me that it's important for us to make others feel safe. Sometimes we do it unconsciously, but it's also possible to do it consciously, and let's make this happen as much as possible.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
But this was also reminder that... I realized whenever I have my deeper interactions with any woman, and these are the women who are not my clients, not my students, not in my family circle, not in my friend circle, just the woman who are reaching out for help, the woman I come across in my events or talks, they may know about me through my talks and my work online, but I don't know anything about them. So I may ask questions, I may laugh somewhere, I may relax, I may experience my own human emotions with them, right? So I had developed this habit many years ago to pause and ask them very consciously that I hope my presence, my work, my questions are making you feel safe. And if at any point you don't feel safe, do let me know.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
It helped me to learn their emotional language. It helped me to learn what makes them feel safe. And it such a beautiful feeling to hear it from a human what makes them feel safe and if you are making them feel safe. And I realized you don't have to do anything because most humans don't need a lot to feel safe. They need very little things to feel safety. And I always feel, above all, I'm a student of human behavior and I keep exploring these opportunities where I get to learn what makes someone feel safe. But for some reason, the masculine energy, the men didn't show up in that context. For me, this was one of the a few times and the first time when a man told me, "Your presence makes me feel safe." And it changed a lot in my heart, the need for this safety, security and warmth, irrespective of any gender that you are connecting with.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
This podcast is all about reminding yourself to make a conscious little effort on a daily basis to make even strangers feel safe. I was doing a quick research on Google before this podcast. I just Googled randomly how to feel safe, what makes you feel safe, and every article was about romantic relationships. It made me feel as if the safety's not important beyond dating and romance and relationships. The truth is if there is human connection, there is need for that safety. We live in very fragile times. There is a religious division, political division, and that divisions will keep on increasing. That's just what's going to happen on a daily basis. Thanks to social media, thanks to the impulsiveness of human mind. But at the same time, there is going to be self-awareness. There's going to be inner peace, courage, strength to bring the change. That's also going to happen at the same time. And you have to make the conscious choice of which side are you on.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
The first step in this process of safety is to first ask yourself, "How do I feel safe? What makes me feel warm and safe?" Get to know those things. I was doing this live conversation with Nikki, my friend, and it's on my Instagram. She was sharing very beautiful things about how she was able to cultivate the feminine energy in her heart. It was by changing her clothing style, changing her foods, music, little things that helped her embrace the feminine energy in her. And trust me, it's the little things that can make you feel safe and warm. Sometimes it's simply the act of not judging yourself based on what you will do in the future, but appreciating what you're doing right now. Really releasing yourself from all the demands and expectations, and bring back the warmth, the gratitude, the safety in your heart. Because if you cannot appreciate your efforts, your hustle on a daily basis, you will not be able to understand the journey of anyone else. And be willing to take off your mask because that's the only way you will help others to take off the mask.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
Everything I shared with my students, with you guys, these are the things I have gone through, I've experimented because that's the only way I know I can understand your journey. I make conscious effort of listening to myself, listening to my own pain, my own challenges because that's the only way I can be a better listener to you. And I've shared this many times before, I don't teach and share about tantra and this intense spiritual work because I know it all or I'm enlightened, and my seventh chakra is constantly buzzing around and downloading the perfect wisdom for you.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
The reason I do this work because deep down, I am fractured and wounded, and I have been healing. I have been building my strength. And when I realized the beauty in it, I decided, let me share this with my fellow humans because I think some of you can use it. So bring this trust, this reverence for yourself because if there's no reverence, there's no self-love, you will not be able to translate that for others. This is the only way we can honor that [karmic 00:23:16] connection that we have with ourselves, and share that with others then.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
Before this podcast, I was on a phone call with a student and I asked her, "What makes you feel unsafe in this modern age?" And she said, "I come across a lot of wonderful people on social media, we interact. There is warm bond that develops time. Sometimes there's even romantic connections that dwell up, or at least just warm emotions that connect. Then randomly, I stopped hearing from them. And after seven days I realized they have removed me from their following list and they have unfollowed me as well." And this is a very common problem. She said, "This makes me feel unsafe. And when a new person shows up on my Instagram and they start to have conversation with me, I'm not able to restart that conversation ever. It takes me forever to rebuild that trust." And she said, "This makes me unsafe. This gives me the feeling of abandonment. They will ghost me soon, they will abandon me soon, and this is very unsafe for me."
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
I have seen this. I've been through this as well, by the way, where I've had conversations with people, and randomly, it vanishes. But I shared this a few podcasts ago, this was I think social media podcast where I encouraged and recommended everyone. The social media connections are based on instant gratification. We all learn it through our own way, and this is what I've learned. Do not invest attachments, energies into social media connections. When they start to go in a certain way, it could be romantic, it could be really good friendship, could be some other potential, take them out of Instagram, take them out of social media app, move to real in-person meeting. And you may earn a great friend for life, you may earn a good companion, you may earn a good business partner who knows. But if everything constantly revolves around that, Instagram, chats or Facebook or Snapchat, that's, of course, not at all a safe feeling.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
These apps are not built to give us feelings of safety. They are built to give us the feeling of this candy treat. Every time you open the box, there will be candy for you. That's why each time you open the app, there's something that just makes you smile. There's something that engages you in. They're built that way, even the meditation apps are built that way. They want you to stay engaged. It's a very dark world. And if you start to go deeper into it, you'll be disappointed that each app is created to make you depend on them, even the meditation apps. And of course, every other app is built that way, the social media apps, of course.
Chandresh Bhardwaj:
So bring the safety and warmth to yourself first. Build the relationship with your awareness, and then it will slowly expand to others. But whenever there's a friend, a partner, family member, a stranger where you feel you have been talking and they are bit hesitant, or they are not opening up, fully pause and ask them, "Am I making you feel safe? What can I do to make you feel safe and heard in this moment?" Just this one line will be enough to change the complete dynamic of your energy with them. It's the least you can do for yourself and for others. Trust me, the results will be so beautiful, so powerful, and so magical. I hope this episode was helpful in some way. Be safe. Take good care of yourself. Share this episode if this resonated with you. And of course, leave a review on iTunes if you like Break the Norms podcast. Thank you.
Useful Links
Find Your Source of Happiness - 21 Day Challenge
Private Guidance Program with Chandresh
