Conversations with Seekers - Creative Courage with Laurie
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In this episode, Chandresh invites his student Laurie for a raw and honest conversation on a seeker's journey. Laurie is a film-making student who has been a part of Leela’s Conscious Meditation Program. In this conversation, Chandresh and Laurie explore the challenges of the seeker’s journey, how to overcome these challenges, and what inspires a seeker to be on this path. They also discuss what it is about spirituality that most seekers don’t get right and if there are any tantra lessons for Laurie that may resonate with the listeners. This is the first of many conversations to come where we keep the conversation going between seekers and other guests.
If you love this episode, please let us know on Instagram @cbmeditates.
Episode Transcript
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Namaste, everyone. I hope you're doing well. I hope you're feeling safe, seen, and loved wherever you are. This episode of Leela Gurukul is going to be different than the previous 140 episodes so far. In this episode, for the first time, I am inviting a guest to speak with. I wanted to invite other guests, other experts, seekers for so long, but I didn't want to do it until I felt really inspired, really connected within. I know many people who invite other guests and when the show format becomes like that, the podcasters have no option but to keep inviting someone to simply fill the space. I didn't want Leela Gurukul to be that. I didn't want to invite someone for the sake of it. It's not fair to the listeners, not fair to me, not fair to the person who's being invited. Right?
Chandresh Bhardwaj: So, I was sitting on this idea for very long, and the one thing that has been inspiring me for so long and for a consistent amount of time is the student, the tribe of Leela Gurukul. As I started listening to the stories, as I got to know the students closer, I felt their story, their struggle, their challenges need to be shared on some platform so that they can inspire many seekers like you.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: I come across students and seekers who have been thinking or wanting to go deeper in their spiritual path through any form. It could be dance, creativity, meditation, yoga, or something else. But they keep holding back and they keep holding back for reasons that they are not even aware of. So, as I got to understand the stories of my students in Leela, I felt it would be fun to have them on Leela Gurukul and go into a conversation that has never been shared on the Leela Podcast.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: I also feel the fabric of most successful or mainstream podcasts is that you keep inviting that so-called expert or the influencer, and that podcast becomes just so perfectly curated, like there's no space of rawness. It's scripted, it has a agenda in the end, and I'm not saying that's wrong. It serves plenty of listeners and it inspires people in all ways. But I wanted to do it in my way. I didn't want this podcast to be scripted. I wanted this to be a raw vulnerable, and just one on one conversation.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: So, as you listen to this particular episode or any of the Conversation with Seekers series, I hope you give them the love, the compassion that these students fully deserve because keep in mind, they are not teachers, healers, speakers. They don't have a script in front of them. They were not given any questions. I was not emailed before that please do not ask me this or do ask me this. It's a spontaneous, a raw, and real conversation. So, as you listen to it, listen with no judgment, listen with openness, and if you like it, do give your support, do give your love to them.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Our first guest for this series is Laurie, who has been part of the Leela's Conscious Meditation Program. She's a filmmaker. Currently, she's working as a video editor, motion graphics artist, and soaking up all the screenwriting and directing educational opportunities that she can find. She says that her spiritual journey was spurred by feeling stuck in all areas of life, and then slowly crawling my way out of what felt like a pit of frustration and despair.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: When I witnessed Laurie in the Zoom calls and interactions, I felt there is a story behind her journey. There is a struggle, a hope, a longing behind her spiritual path, and I'm glad she was able to share parts of it, and I hope it will inspire you as well. Give it a listen. I'm Chandresh Bhardwaj and this is Leela Gurukul. Laurie, I am so glad to have you on the Leela Gurukul podcast. As I said, your name will go into the history of Leela Podcast because you are officially the first guest on this, and I'm so glad you're giving us the time, your energy, and your experience today. How are you feeling being here, and just for today, how are you feeling?
Laurie: I'm really honored to be here and just to have been asked and to be able to have this conversation. Leela and all your teachings have been such an important part of my life and my journey. So, I'm just really honored to be here. A little nervous, not sure exactly what to say, but not a bad nervous, but a little nervous. But I'm just, I'm happy. I'm happy to be here and to be in conversation with you. This is very cool.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Right before the call, Laurie, I was thinking what should be the vibe of this call? I didn't want it to be like an interview call or a podcast interview. I wanted it to be just relaxed tea time kind of call where two of us are just meeting in some virtual cloud and sharing our experiences. I'll tell you one thing that I used to notice whenever we would have our group calls. Your questions, your willingness, your curiosity, it used to give out this beautiful energy. I could feel you have gone through plenty of experiences. You have gone through your share of ups and downs, and that made me very curious. But you would participate, but you would only ask questions. Right? You would ask great questions and then you would step back, and I know you were doing it probably to give space to other students that they can also ask.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: But I was like, yeah, I would love to just chat with Laurie, ask about her experiences because I have a strong feeling, whatever her perspective and her experiences have evolved into, it's going to inspire many other students, and that's what I'm really curious with today. This is my curiosity with all the seekers because I feel we all have a story why we started doing this, what we are doing. So, let's start from, give us a bit of introduction. Where do you live? What do you do? Let's let the audience know a little bit about you.
Laurie: Sounds great. Currently, I found my forever home. I'm in Colorado, Superior, Colorado, been here for over 10 years now. I really enjoy it, really connect with the nature, the energy of the place. Originally from the Northeast, Massachusetts. Spent over a decade, and so all the decades are adding up. So, spent over a decade in Southern California as well. So, I have a strong connection there. I had gone out there because film is my first love. Being a filmmaker is my first love. I got sidetracked from that and actually taught college history, taught cultural American history, critical thinking, media literacy at the college level. Cal State Long Beach is where I consider my home school where I did my favorite teaching. I really enjoyed my time there.
Laurie: Then in the last five years or so, I'm getting back to filmmaking and I think that's kind of a parallel to the seeking is that at this stage in my life, my mid-40s, I'm kind of returning back to everything that I knew when I was younger and it seems like there's always been a strong intuition in me that has guided me along my life, but it got hidden. It was really hidden, just life circumstances and just life in general. So, I think the last several years have been, at first, unbeknownst to me, going on that seeking path, and then it became more conscious as I started to realize that's what was happening, that I was looking for a different way of being, I think.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: I'm curious. Was there one experience or one moment where you realized you want to be a storyteller or a filmmaker? How did you arrive at that decision? It's not the most popular thinking, right, to just be a filmmaker. Yeah.
Laurie: Yeah. When I was young, I was always drawn to movies. I think the escape, another world, especially when I grew up in the '80s, it was different, didn't have the access of the internet and media. I come from a small town, a working class town. So, it was a way to be exposed to other areas, other places. It was in high school, I saw the movie Philadelphia, and at the time, the movie was very progressive in the topics that it chose to address. But there was also some very strong visuals. There's the scene where Tom Hanks, he's kind of bathed in red light. I didn't know anything about filmmaking at the time and I was just blown away by how powerful an image, how it can move someone so viscerally, can reach the depth of your soul. I knew then very consciously that I wanted to be a part of this somehow, and I didn't necessarily know how to go about it or what was going to happen. But that's the moment. There was definitely a watershed moment or the moment.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: What did you do then? Did you look for the courses or the colleges? Was that the next step?
Laurie: Yeah. I got Sid Fields' book on screenwriting and I wrote a screenplay. I just sat a whole summer all night and I wrote a screenplay, started sending it out. I started looking, I spent my summers in California going to film school. I went to traditional liberal arts school back East and spent the summers in LA taking film classes. So, I was trying to just soak up all the opportunities that I knew that I could find. It's kind of a big segue in between, and it's kind of what I'm doing now too, of trying to find all the classes and take advantage of all the opportunities.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Tell me, what was the best part of discovering this passion and what is still the best part about discovering this and returning back? What brings you the joy in this process?
Laurie: I think for me, when I was at USC taking some summer classes and we were editing with actual razor blades and film at the time, I just felt, and I think I would've known it then, I don't know if I had the vocabulary or the awareness to articulate it, but I felt very, this is me, this is my authentic self. I think returning to that now, I'm taking a lot of classes and I wrote a TV pilot during COVID and I had a lot of writing mentorships to help me develop that, and I was like, this is ... It's not that it comes easy. I work hard and I really try to learn and appreciate all the mentorships I've had. But something about it feels easy in terms of this is me. This is who I am.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Right. I think the ability to tell a story and to be able to digitally cut it and find the perfect visual, that must be so exciting.
Laurie: Yeah. I enjoy it. just the more I learn, I gain more skills and it's something that I hope I have enough time left in my career and life to really dive deep into it is kind of the hope.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Trust me, I genuinely feel this is like a new beginning and a beautiful transition that's happening for you. Without making it a spiritual session, but let me share one thing. In tantra traditions, Laurie, we look at life in the cycles of seven. So, after every seven years, we arrive at a powerful breakthrough. It means either we end something or we go back to something or we completely dive into something new. This is like first time I'm sharing it publicly. When Leela students apply and I speak to them, I ask them their age or I figure out like in what part of age they are going through, and I always notice 95% of students are going through that cycle of seven, which means once in seven years, they're invited into that powerful pull.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: It's not comfortable. It's not the most joyful thing. It's a bit of nervous wrecking journey. It's a bit of uncomfortable journey, but it happens to plenty of seekers, and I strongly feel that for you. I think if you listen to this episode after five years, you'll know what I mean. So, I'm making a prediction here on Leela Podcast.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Now, we spoke about the best part. Right? What do you think is the worst part about being a filmmaker and this whole process? Were there any parts which made you feel I don't want to do this job, or it just exhausted you?
Laurie: I think when I started out, I had a really hard time, it's common, I guess, in the 20s, really hard time getting a foothold in LA. I didn't know the paths to take. I wasn't quite sure. So, I felt like the difficult part is not getting a foot in the door, so to speak, but I just didn't know how to begin. I didn't know how to become involved. Part of it was we don't have the resources and access that we do today with the internet and things like that. I struggled at that age a lot in a lot of things. So, I kind of got taken off the path. So, for me, the part I didn't like about it was I guess I didn't know what to do or how to manifest this way of being that I felt strongly about.
Laurie: So, that was always when I really enjoyed teaching, but it was always calling to me. I incorporated media literacy into my classes, history classes to help students understand the way media is shaped, the way they looked at the past and different peoples. It was just clear to me I was coming back to that path. But I guess the hardest part with me was just not knowing. It was a lot of confusion. Probably more to your point too, the industry's a little wild and a little crazy. I worked for a bit in TV research and it wasn't as creative as I would've thought. So, it's finding my niche, wherever that may be, and probably be a lifelong process.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Yeah. It's a brutal industry. I used to complain about the publishing industry and how dark it is at times. But when I started connecting with folks from Hollywood, I'm like, oh, publishing industry is nothing. Hollywood is a real beast. Majority of my clients and students are from Hollywood. Recently, one of my dear student, they were working on a show for the last two and a half years for a huge studio and they canceled it at the last moment. I could feel the heartbreak. It felt personal because I was so involved in the process as well, like listening to the development, and it became clear to me at a point that they have to let it go now because it was hurting my student so much, the ego, the dark circus in it.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: I was like, it's not even worth it and you rather honor your creative courage. But it's really personal, when you're so emotionally invested into the stories you want to tell, and legally, you can't tell the story now anywhere it's that you have given that right. So, it's a bit brutal, but I think as a filmmaker, as a storyteller, you sign up for the chaos.
Laurie: Yeah.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Right? Yeah.
Laurie: Yeah.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: This brings me to the spiritual aspect of you because I feel it's not a moderate part of you. I feel it's quite a strong aspect of your personality. How and when that started shaping up?
Laurie: That's a great question. It seems like there'd be many different levels to it. I kind of pushed that whole side of me out. There was a point where I thought you didn't need to have spirituality. I was raised Catholic, and I know that for many people, that is a very positive experience for them. For me, it was not. So, I found it to be tremendously traumatic and it has carried over until today. If I go to a wedding with a Catholic mass, a funeral Catholic mass, it's massively triggering for me. So, I pushed that side out of me completely. Then when I moved to Colorado, I went to a Buddhist facility here just to talk to someone there to see maybe this is the root, and I got a lot of the same religion vibes from it and I was very triggered again. So, I stepped away for another several years. Then the concept of meditation came to me and I was very anxious, anxiety, very, very anxious in life, very feeling stuck in life.
Laurie: I got my yellow lab, Willow, and she was a puppy and she was the turning point for me because all the walls I had put up in my life started to disintegrate and I just felt such a love for her and wanting to care for her and protect her and enjoy her company. I think she just opened up my heart and I think that just started a path that I wasn't so conscious of. I started to learn about meditation a little bit. Didn't do it, but I knew it existed. Then I was really in a lot of pain, a lot of pain. My life was great in a lot of ways and there was a lot to enjoy about it, but there was part of me, and I think it was the lack of spirituality in developing that. I love notebooks and planners, and I was just writing a notebook one day and I just had so much tension and so much stress and I looked down and I had just written help on there.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Wow.
Laurie: The very next day, I came across a meditation resource and I just started taking one breath, one conscious breath. Eckhart Tolle says one conscious breath. So, I did that. Then I came across your book, Break the Norms, and it was just very universe-y-like when you look back at it with steps. It was like everything showed up as I needed it. Then I think that's when I started ... I did the first exercise in the book where you write your fears and things you want, and I was surprised at how deep it got in the fears I had. I think that's when I took a much more conscious step to, oh, okay, this is spirituality, I guess, and let's do this. Let's go with it.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Wow. I feel the pain and fear drives us to make certain important decisions at times, and sometimes we wait for a big disaster to happen before we arrive at that powerful decision. I think when you were feeling that trauma of religion, were you feeling like this is it, I can can't breathe any longer if I do not have a spiritual support or some solution? Because I could feel your voice, the religion, the whole term in itself has a strong, heavy impact on you, right?
Laurie: Mm-hmm. Yeah, absolutely. You said it perfectly way better than I could. It's like, yeah, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't. I needed something and I had blocked it out. I had thought, okay, this is just the part you don't need. You don't need to have a religion. You don't need to participate. I had just such a very basic understanding of religion and spirituality. I thought it meant going to mass at a certain time and following certain rules. It's kind of hit me on waves and I think little things at a time and I was coming home from swimming.
Laurie: Endurance sports is like, I used to think of that as my religion. It was my way to try to ... but I was coming back from a swim about an hour away, and you were talking about the divine femininity and how tantra was like they perceived it through kind of a feminine lens. You say it better than I would, so sorry if I mischaracterized it.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: No.
Laurie: But that was shocking to me. Intellectually, I understood it, but in my body I felt just completely shaken because it had been such a different experience and I just couldn't conceive of it, of a different way. I didn't realize that a lot of it's subconscious and it just comes out as you start to explore it. So, yeah. It's a little while, I guess.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Yeah. This brings me to the core question about tantra because I feel it's my experiences and observation, tantra is not for all. Even in India, it's a very religious spiritual country, but you won't find a lot of people receiving tantra openly. There is a certain discomfort and I get the discomfort now very closely because tantra dismantles your belief systems completely. Also, tantra is not a religion. So, it doesn't tell you to stop doing this and that, and then you will be accepted. Tantra says come as you are, and that becomes a very confusing thing for a human mind. Just as I am? So, I am accepted as I am? That starts to create another complexity that how can you just accept me as I am? Even I don't accept myself as I am. So, what about tantra started shaking your roots? What about it? Was it feminine context of tantra? Was it something else?
Laurie: Through your book and your podcast, and then the class, I think consciously, I didn't realize I was experiencing tantra until well into that process, which is funny because I think I was just soaking up what I needed and could at the time. For me, so much was powerful about it, but the way that in class and on our calls, and it was just the repeated message that you had everything within you and it wasn't like that superficial you have everything within you like you could sometimes see in the spiritual world. It was a very authentic, true belief that we just go within, go within.
Laurie: So, even now, I had made so much progress with my life and anxiety and all that. I still get hit by life and anxiety. So, just the answers, just go within, whether that be a meditation, whether deep breath, like calm down. That, I think, I have skyrocketed in being in touch with my intuition, my authentic self. But that concept was, I think I was just ... Our culture, my religion, my family per se, you're just so detached from yourself. But here, there was these skills to just connect you to your authentic self and your intuition. To me, that was so powerful from everything, just being able to sleep at night, to just feeling like you have so much opportunity to enjoy life.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: You are reminding me of a promise that I made to myself before starting Leela. I was sharing this idea with the experts, the people who are experts in creating online courses, and they were very clear. They said, "If you make it so simple, if you just simply the way you share on podcasts, it may not sell because people like complexity. You should be telling them go find a tree and sit under a tree every Tuesday night so they'll be more excited for it." They were like, "Yeah. You're not cheating anyone with this, but this is how everyone is doing it." They gave me examples of the people even I know. I know a lot of spirituality, it's a performance now and, of course, I didn't feel connect to it. I couldn't dare to even go in that direction.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: I was like, "I have a lot of teachers I owe this work and I can't ever even think of doing it." I think if I even try to do it, I'll be such a terrible performer. So, I made a promise to myself. I'll keep tantra really simple, really easy. I don't even have to use the words tantra, chakra, and I'll use a plain language to convey the message. As you were telling me this, it makes me feel actually happy that you are one of those students who actually understood and mastered a lot of the Leela teachings without having the pressure of calling it the ancient tantra or the ancient traditional work. Do you think it's one of the things that liberate you as a seeker, not having the pressure of this ancientness to it? Yeah?
Laurie: Absolutely. Absolutely. I think one of the things, unconscious at first, but quickly became conscious of it through the book, through the podcast, through the class, there's an authenticity about it that is very simple and very clear and it feels very honest. I think I felt safe to proceed in trying to these new ... like to have meditations, to think about things you don't think about normally that you want to push aside, when stuff comes up in meditation, feelings come up that are intimidating. I think it creates a space where you feel safe to do it, you feel empowered to do it, you feel like, hey, this is it. I think that's so powerful. It may be simple, but it's so powerful the fact that it's really just about stripping away everything and coming back to yourself. Absolutely. There's been an authenticity I've been drawn to and it's helped me be more authentic myself. It's a gift. It's a real gift.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: What do you think, what did you do right in the process as a seeker in Leela? What do you think that you were doing right that worked in your favor?
Laurie: I think coming from an academic background, I'm very much, like when I take a class, where's the syllabus, let me do all the work, let me do all the extra work. So, that's in me, that Type A, whatever it is. So, it was hard when you said in the class, "Go at your own pace. There is no right pace." At first, you want to be like, "Well, how many? How many? What do I do? How many meditations to sleep?" So, I just listened. I just let go and just listened, and it became very clear, well, it's time for this meditation today, even though it's not in the correct order. So, I think just really letting go and learning and soaking the energy from the group and knowing everyone was holding space for everybody, it was, yeah, I think just letting go.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Yeah. Those were such funny days because I know this was a struggle every week. Everybody would be like, "What do I do? What does self-paced mean here?" In my heart, I was like, "I know I keep saying this is for the ambitious professionals." So, these people are the ambitious and the professionals and mostly, they are Type A. So, they want a structure and they are working with a teacher who doesn't enjoy structure so much. So, it's a very interesting dynamic happening here. But it was fascinating to see how you were able to let go of that, the planner in you, the Type A in you.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: You started flowing in the process and whenever you would sit, Laurie, in the Zoom call, I could feel you show up with lot of readiness, the willingness, the strength, and I could feel you are looking for that perfect structure. When the moment we say self-paced, the whole mind starts to collapse, what do you mean self-paced, and you feel the overwhelmingness of it. But I think that's what Leela means for you, for me, for everyone, to swim in the flow so that the Type A supports the other part of you and the other part of you supports Type A. It's like the dynamic between the yin and yang, Shiva and Shakti within. That's how I saw it happening. Right? Yeah.
Laurie: Yeah. You said it perfectly. Absolutely.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: What do people don't get it right about spiritual path? There are thousands of spiritual quotes on Instagram and many books that keep telling you how to show up for it and all that. But practically speaking, what do you think people do not get right about meditation or spirituality or even tantra?
Laurie: I've been exposed to a lot of different people, a lot of different teachers, things through my work and different things, and it seems like, kind of what you said, that they try to brand themselves, this is the particular thing to do. This is what makes this process right, and I think you can't figure it out. You can't be a master of it. We're all human and I think it's wanting to be a true teacher vs. winning the internet with your program. Right? So, being a true teacher is, I think, people trying to claim their way is the only way and this way. But I think being an authentic teacher is what I've seen where things are more effective and less commercial, things like that.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: What do you think, what is authenticity evolving into for the modern spirituality? Where is it? What's the definition of authenticity, like in 2022 spirituality?
Laurie: I don't know if there is one in the commercialized perspective of authenticity. I think it's something that's missing from it, from what I see.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Do you feel getting too much into the commercial aspect of it starts to blur the vision of a spiritual teacher and they get lost on the way?
Laurie: Yeah. I don't know if I have enough knowledge to speak on that. But from the things that I've seen in my work and the things I do, it seems like the people who are more commercial seem to be less effective, more about marketing. I don't know what they were necessarily like before I meet them in the marketplace. So, that journey, I don't know. But that's the one thing that stuck out to me from Leela that I haven't seen in those types of things. Obviously, there are people who are authentic. I have my triathlon coach. She's super, super authentic and I just like authentic people. But I don't see it much in the marketplace.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Yeah. Let's talk about the seeker and this whole journey. We talked about tantra, the spiritual schools and everything. What do you think a seeker needs to understand to get into this path of spirituality or tantra? I feel seekers are influenced by the popular narrative and I think when they're more innocent and vulnerable, they jump from one window to another and they get lost somewhere in the process. You have been in the game for a while and you're a storyteller. I have huge respect for your perspective. What do you think seekers need to get it right?
Laurie: I think it's not about accomplishing things and it's not about achieving things. It's really about letting go. I think it's simple, but it's so difficult. Probably the most difficult thing I've done. But yeah. I think it's about letting go, not trying to achieve. I did my first marathon swim this past year, last year.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Wow.
Laurie: So, I swam across the width of Lake Tahoe. Endurance sports, from running to triathlon to marathon swimming, have always been very, very soulful for me, soulful, but they've also been a lot of attachment. I trained for this swim when I started Leela and just the beginning to the end was such a different perspective. I have a swim coach and tri coach and my tri coach is very into mindfulness as well and the process, it was just everything was the perfect team, the perfect way to learn.
Laurie: But the level of attachment at the start to when I actually did the swim in August were dramatically different. Obviously, I swam and practiced swimming, but in terms of the spirituality, I let go of so much of the attachment. I don't know if I could have done it had I not done that. So, I think letting go, and it's hard because it's who you've become. It was who I was, this attachment. So, I think it's a simple concept, but for me, it was difficult.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Yeah. Simple concepts are often very tough to implement. I love that. What do you think, what happens to the support from family, friends, siblings? Did you have enough support? What do you want to talk about that aspect, support from just the people that seen you growing up in this process?
Laurie: Yeah. I have an amazing support system and I just sometimes am at awe when I look around at the people in my circle, in my life. I have the most amazing coaches and mentors and friends. That's been a really awesome process. My husband and I, we've been together, oh, gosh, like over 15 years, we've been married. Like 13, 14. I'm losing track of time, but a long time, and were very different people when we met. At our core, a lot of similarities, but we were very different people when we met than we are now. He gives me a lot of space in this journey, a lot of support. He's so caring and so helpful. This process would not have been nearly as fruitful had it not been right for him. I have some great friends and a lot of support. So, I'm just really surrounded by good people.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Right. That's a blessing. Totally. Two questions. One is now that you have done Leela, you have crossed a certain journey of your creativity, professional aspect of your journey, does forgiveness, acceptance, compassion come easier to you now, or is it complicated?
Laurie: It's so interesting that you should bring that up because just over the last couple weeks, I'm thinking I have held onto a lot of pains and hurts from childhood and life, and not intentionally. I've noticed over the last year how I've been holding onto those and how painful and rigid, and only in the last few years have I started to reframe, excuse me, last few weeks, I've started to reframe them and it is because of this process of the meditation, the Leela, the letting go, the just unraveling of everything. So, I have been able to look at some of my deepest life pains and the people involved in those with a lot more compassion and forgiveness and have really altered those relationships and how I approach those relationships. So, interesting you should bring that up because it's new to my consciousness.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: What do you think is a huge obstacle in forgiveness? For me, I think it's the need to control, or ego. I think that's what shows up a lot for the forgiveness aspect for me, for others. The more I let go of ego, the easier this letting go happens. For you, what's that beast that blocks the forgiveness?
Laurie: Yeah. Exactly what you said, for sure. I don't know if I'm that evolved or far along in my journey yet, and I'm still learning and grappling with it. I think, yeah, definitely a lot with ego and control. I think fear for me, a lot of fear, and not really understanding what forgiveness can mean, and to still protect yourself, and especially if people don't necessarily have the same perspective that you do of a particular situation. But I think there's strength in letting go and finding that authenticity and forgiveness, which we've learned through Leela and through the meditation process. The music on your meditations, I feel like that alone is evolutionary process, a journey.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: I feel if I was not doing this work, I would have been probably your colleague in some film studio because I would love to be behind the camera and just shoot films. I'm actually in the process of learning more into it. First time sharing it publicly. I bought Save The Cat! book like seven years ago. Can you believe? I was back home two years ago in India and I met my school friend. We were in school from first grade to fifth grade, and he reminded me, he said, "Remember in lunch breaks, you would direct movies?" Imagine me in second grade, directing the so-called movies.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: So many memories showed up because I used to write stories, mail it to directors in Bombay for Bollywood. I find storytelling so liberating, so joyful, and I think I can't help that aspect of myself to be out. So, in podcasts and Leela, I was more fascinated with the music in meditations and how it will be shot. So, I shot the courses at like 5:00 AM on the top of mountain in the videos. So, I think there's something so liberating about blending spirituality with the storytelling, but I'm going to seek your guidance on storytelling. I'm going to reach out to you-
Laurie: Nice.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: ... for some online courses and some other good stuff.
Laurie: Absolutely. Please do.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: One question, Laurie, final question for you. In one word, what does Leela mean for you now?
Laurie: Power.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Power. Love that.
Laurie: Self power. Yeah. Self kind of power.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: I love how instantly the answer came to you. So, that's beautiful. What would you say to the students who are still holding back their spiritual path because of their self-doubt, fear, confusion? Any words of wisdom to the fellow seekers who are holding themselves back?
Laurie: I feel like if you're at the point where you're holding yourself back, if you're you're ready, you're ready to go because that's coming in your consciousness and it's really, there's no risk to it. It's a very safe space that's empowering. It's just amazing. It was amazing process. Just go for it. Let go and do it.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Thank you for these words. Is there a routine you're following lately with the meditation or you're randomly showing up for it every day?
Laurie: Oh, absolutely. So, I got this little stool from Room & Board, which I love. It was called the Murphy stool, so I call it Meditation Murphy, and it's in my room and every night ... Actually, one of my goals for this year, my Type A side, I have my whole goal planning book, but one of my goal is to go through the Leela coursework again. So, I've started from the beginning and just take the same progress, go at my pace. So, I'll do those meditations at night. Then I have a lot of anxiety in the morning. So, I'll do a quick meditation before I even get up for the day. Then when the mood strikes or the need, sometimes I'll be sitting out on our deck in the sun and I'll meditate. But the morning and night, every day without fail, and it's not a chore. It doesn't feel like something I have to do. It's like with endurance sports. You have recovery week. It really does recover your brain and your anxiety, nervous system.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: Yeah. So, a surprise news for you. I recorded two advanced meditations, one on intention, one on mind, and I recorded advanced talk on Goddess Kali, which you guys will be getting in next few days. So-
Laurie: Oh, exciting.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: ... check for the inbox. It's going to show up in a few days. But yeah. This is great. Thank you, Laurie, again for showing up on this call, for sharing your experiences. I know for sure your wisdom, experiences, the lessons we talked about, it's going to inspire many seekers to step into their power. Thank you. Thanks for the talk.
Laurie: Thank you. Honored to be here. Thank you so much.
Chandresh Bhardwaj: May the teachings of tantra continue to guide you and heal you. I hope Leela Gurukul helps you to unlearn the old and embrace the unknown mystical possibility unfolding for you. To support this podcast, share it among the seekers who are ready for the next step in their spiritual path.
Useful Links
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Private Guidance Program with Chandresh
