The Journey of Spiritual Growth in a Dysfunctional Family
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In this episode, Chandresh shares the tantra perspective of overcoming the challenges of dysfunctional family dynamics within your spiritual growth and practice. The following questions are covered:
What roles do the family dynamics play in influencing an individual's belief systems and how they practice spiritual beliefs? What advice do you have for someone who has a different spiritual belief or practice from their family? Why do spiritual differences so often cause problems within family dynamics, and what can someone do to help ease these tensions if they choose to walk a different path from their family? There’s a strong belief online that someone has to cut out their family or remove themselves from the family dynamics in order to go through spiritual awakenings. Is this true or is there a better way to heal within the family dynamic? Is your advice for handling and healing family dynamics, especially in regard to spirituality, different for people who come from abusive homes? If someone does come from an abusive home what is the purpose of this and how can someone heal from and overcome these types of challenges? There is a lot of conversation online about “soul family” and finding your soul tribe. Often people discuss the family you are born into is not your true soul tribe. This can be especially easy to relate to when you have different spiritual beliefs or perspectives on life from your family. What is the tantra perspective on this? Are there any tips or advice for understanding who your soul group is and how to align with them? How do you cope with losing a child? Especially when your partner or their parents are pressuring you to have another child. What is the relationship between mothers and being a homemaker vs. career woman, especially in regards to having lost a child or having a miscarriage? How can someone go deeper into their spiritual practice when in a partnership? Especially if your partner does not have the same spiritual practice or beliefs as you. Specifically, if you are someone who is transcending your sexual urges and do not want to have sex with your partner as often as they do, how do you overcome this dynamic in a relationship? Visit cbmeditates.com to send your questions and to know more about Chandresh's work.
Episode Transcript
Why do spiritual differences so often cause problems within family dynamics? What can someone do to help ease these tensions if they choose to walk a different path from their family? If someone comes from an abusive home, what's the karmic purpose of this? How can someone heal from and overcome these type of challenges. With tantra and goddess work, there can be a lot of misconceptions around what it is. What's your advice for someone who does this work but has family trying to protect them from, or who strongly disagrees with their belief system? How can someone go deeper into their spiritual practice when in a partnership or living with family? What if your partner does not have the same spiritual practice or beliefs as you? What if you are someone who's transcending your sexual urges, don't want to have sex with your partner as often as they do? How do you overcome this dynamic in a relationship?
As you can tell, this episode is all about family, spiritual path, healing yourself within the family dynamics, and making sense of the drama, the pain, the suffering, the healing that happens within the family. I do suggest you keep a glass of water next to you and breathe deeply as you listen to this episode. My hope is it makes you inspired, it helps you to rethink, reimagine your relationship with your family. And if there are any triggers or discomfort, I hope those triggers and discomfort lead you into the healing. I am Chandresh Bhardwaj, and this is Leela Gurukul. Namaste, everyone. I hope you're feeling relaxed, easy, grounded, and safe wherever you are.
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And before we get into today's episode, I want to invite you to explore the latest Goddess Rising program where you learn how to tap into your divine feminine energy through the lens of tantra. How do you understand the world of Goddess Kali and other ancient primordial goddesses and access them in a way that they are always available to you to cultivate freedom, playfulness, courage, and abundance, wherever you need it. It's a one-of-a-kind program. Do listen to the previous episode where I describe Goddess Rising in detail. And of course, visit the website, watch the video there, explore, and join. And I hope to see you there in a few weeks. And now, the topic for today, I don't have the title for it yet, so I don't know what to call it. It's all about family. It's all about the fear, the trauma, the challenges that happens to a seeker within the family dynamic.
I should have recorded this episode a long time ago. I also feel this should have been one of the first episodes in the Leela Gurukul. And I kept on delaying, witnessing, observing the kind of questions that always showed up, and I think lately, very similar, but also heavy, deep, and urgent questions started showing up in my inbox and I felt this is it. Now, we need to talk about it. And I'm glad I'm recording it now because I too now have much more awareness and understanding that family dynamic, the healing in it, the freedom in it. And I hope my new awareness will also help you tap into your awareness. I want to begin with a story lesson from Buddha's life.
I don't think there will be a day in my journey as a seeker when I don't think of Buddha. I always feel Buddha is so wrongly branded as a monk because the more you explore Buddha's journey, the more you will see yourself in him. His experiences, his challenges, they remind me of the challenges that you and I go through. His journey of enlightenment is a reminder that you too can become enlightened and awakened. One of the most beautiful glimpses from Buddha's life is when Buddha got enlightenment. It's believed the gods, the goddesses, they poured flowers on him. Why do you think that happened? Why even the gods and goddesses showed up and they poured flowers on him? My take on this is even the gods and goddesses acknowledged the challenge of a common man in Buddha. He was a prince, he became a nobody, and then he explored and hustled into the journey of spiritual awakening.
He didn't have the privilege, the excess of the gods and goddesses. He didn't give up. He continued seeking of his truth with complete courage, confidence, but also lots of fragile moments, lots of vulnerable moments. And that's why the gods and goddesses honored him. They poured love on him. I hope it becomes a motivation for you as well to continue seeking this journey with your courage, with your complete awareness. The story I want to share of Buddha is something I've talked about before, but not in this context. So it's believed, and I'm using the word believe because it happened many, many years ago. There are many stories, but this is the most consistent story in many documents. It's believed that Buddha's parents could not have a child. They were trying all the medical procedures, all the best guidance they could get. They were seeking spiritual help, medical help, herbal treatments, whatever best was available in those days. And we are talking about a king, a powerful king.
So he did have access to plenty of support and help than a common man in those days. And all the powerful people in those days, especially kings, they had a board of spiritual advisors where there would be a spiritual healer, a guru, an astrologer, a mix of a solid bunch of advisors and teachers who would always guide a king to make the best moves. And it's still a tradition in India, the moment a child is born, the family consults the family astrologer to just make sure how the chart is looking, what should be done to protect the child's health. And of course, also to get an overview of what this child potentially can become. And based on that, the family's supposed to take care of the child. Not many follow that direction, and that's what this podcast is all about. So the moment Buddha was born, after plenty of hardships and trials, his father consulted the best of the best in gurus and masters.
And they looked almost shocked by looking at his chart. And Buddha's father asked them, "Is something wrong with my son?" They said, "No, this is the kind of chart we haven't seen. This is as powerful as it gets. Your son could become the most powerful king or the most amazing, incredible monk, spiritual teacher this world has ever seen." And the father was obviously very clear that he wants his son to become a king who'll overtake his position as the king. And the father said, "Of course, I want him to be a king. What can I do to make sure he does not become a monk?" And they said, "It's going to be difficult because his energy, his aura to be the spiritual teacher is way stronger than anything else." And this was said by the guru, not the astrologer.
Astrology can look at your planetary positioning, but planets can only take you to an extent. Your actions, your aura, energy, how the divine is supporting you, that overrides all the planetary positions. So the guru warned him, "You can try your best, but your son will become the biggest ever spiritual teacher of this world." And the father wasn't willing to accept it. He said, "I'll do what it takes. Tell me what can I do?" And they said, "Just make sure to keep him away from the triggering points of life, the pain, the sadness, the suffering. When we realize the silliness of life, only then we decide to renounce this world and become a monk." And the father said, "That won't be a tough thing for me to do." So he built different palaces for each season to make sure Buddha does not see even aging. So he kept the most beautiful young people around him. He made sure the palaces had the best flowers, water fountains, nature, beauty, everything. And that's how Buddha was raised.
Of course, you can't control Buddha for too long. So one of the days when he was walking, he saw a dead body and that changed everything for him. He could not believe that the person is dead, and this is what's going to happen to everyone. That made him realize how stupid, silly, and idiotic everything is. It also made him angry and disappointed because he always felt the uselessness, the irrelevance of all the material hustle. And he was constantly asking questions to his parents, his teachers, but the parents instructed the gurus and the teachers to not guide him in that direction. So nobody ever gave him the right answer. And by that time, Buddha was married, he had a child, and he decided to leave everyone and move out of the palace to find his truth. And that's what he did. This is how we have the Buddhism, the truth, the wisdom, the teachings, the meditations that we all practice.
However, Buddha did come back to the palace one time after he became the Buddha. After he was enlightened, he came back. He came back to apologize to his wife, to say hello to her, to say hello to the parents. And the father looked at him and the father was angry. He said, "Look at you, you're a son of a king, and you look like a homeless. You look like a beggar. So I'm giving you one more chance. Leave this miserable life behind and join this kingdom. People are waiting to celebrate you." And he said, "I'm not here to come back and join your throne. I'm here to just see you all." And the father was even more angry. And he said, "The world will remember you as the most thankless son. We raised you with so much love and all you are giving us is pain, suffering."
And Buddha told him, "I came through this road and this road doesn't own me, the same way I came through you. And you don't own me. I don't own you. Nobody owns anyone in this world. We are free, we are independent. And I was hoping you would accept me as I am today. And that's okay if that's not happening. But I'm not coming back." That was Buddha's relationship with his family. So I hope it gives you some relief in knowing that if you don't have the most cozy and comfortable relationship with your family as you seek your truth, it's okay. That's how it happens many times. And one thing I do want to mention here, everyone knows Buddha as someone who renounced the world. And I'm telling you here today, Buddha did not renounce the world. He renounced family. He renounced his parents, his wife, his child. He renounced the concept of family because if he renounced the world, he was still living in the world.
Of course, he wasn't living a fancy metro life. He was moving from jungle to jungle, but not as a confused nomad. He was moving through those places because he needed that solitude, that peace. If he existed today, he would be living in a more calming peaceful city or a little village and not in a metro city. And he was also practicing more discipline with his food, body, and other temptations and desires of life. So Buddha and many other spiritual teachers, gurus, masters, yogis that we know, nobody renounced the world, they renounced family. And why do you think they needed to do that? That's what we want to get into in today's episode. I remember during college days when I was studying sociology, anthropology, and even during certain tantra training moments, I came across this interesting information that the concept of family became much more stronger when the material property, buildings, land, et cetera, became relevant to the humans.
And they wanted to make sure that if they have any property, any possession or land, their child should inherit and not someone else. In the way ancient times women were, they had children, but there wasn't the concept of father-family parenting the way it is now. The child was raised by the commune. It was raised by the tribe. And you can go back to plenty of stories. I wish I could quote a book here, but there is plenty of context data, information on this, but this is not the focus of this episode. I wanted to share that in case you are interested in researching from that sociology perspective too. But this thought came to my mind because it connects many dots that if the concept of family was not as strong as it was glorified to be, that clearly, it makes sense that even if you continue to glorify, domesticate, and make it look like the most holy thing, it continues to bring pain, anger, suffering, resentment to everyone.
I'm recording this episode today in January 2023, but I made up my mind to record this months ago, maybe more than a year ago. And this is how, by the way, I do a lot of work. Once the seed is planted, I continue to nurture it for years or months and then it happens when it happens. And I started witnessing, observing, speaking to plenty of friends, seekers, cousins, everyone I knew and get to know their perspective, their situation, their relationship with the family. Unfortunately, I have not come across even one positive feedback about the family. And this is why I felt we need to talk about it. And the people I spoke to, I think pretty much all of them appear happy with their family. There is a glossy, beautiful, happy picture of the family. But when I spoke to them, no one gave even a bit of close happy feedback.
And that's what started giving me lots of new interesting thoughts, inputs. Now one thing that we notice a lot with the family dynamic is resentment, control, anger. And I want to share the tantric perspective on this and then we'll get into some specific questions. Now, I feel in relation to this episode, the one I recorded on conscious pregnancy, that would also be so important together. So when parents have children, especially for a mother, it's such a sacred, beautiful healing experience. Maybe they were not ready for the child or they were ready and willing for the child. In both cases, the experience becomes really sacred unless the mother is going through some really intense unfortunate situations like drug addiction, abuse, or something on that level. But in most cases, the experience is super beautiful. Now the energy, spiritually, a lot of things are happening. The mother is nurturing a life in her womb and a child is being born, a new life is being born and then the child is taken care of, raised lovingly by the parents.
And I'm talking about a good happy family, I'm not talking about an outright abusive, controlling, toxic family situation. I'm only talking about the happy side of the family for this example. Now, they're raising the child with a lot of love, care, and of course, there are fundamental expectations that show up when you raise the child with love. And one of those expectations is the child should be loving me back with equal, if not more, at least equal intensity, equal level of the same affection. Now that doesn't happen. Like Buddha said, the thankless child show up in parents' mind that we gave so much to our child and now they are not returning the love and affection. And the funny thing is when their children get married and they have children, they notice that their children are loving their children with so much love.
And that creates another narrative in parents' mind and parents often comment to their children that, "You used to attack us, you used to answer back to us. You didn't respect or love us so much, but now look at the way you are treating your child. This is exactly how we were treating you with love, care, and you said, we are controlling you." Now something is happening here and tantra has explained it so beautifully. When parents have children, their energy spiritually is moving out to that life force and a new life is being born and you are taking care of that child. But the child cannot have that same energy flow toward the parents because the child's energy is designed in a way, it's a seed. So the seed is designed in a way that it's going to bloom in its own unique direction.
The parents here are that source, the source energy. Through that, a river is being born. But after the river is there, the river is designed to flow into the ocean. The river is not designed to go back to that same mountain. It cannot, even if it dries, it cannot. The mountain is at 10,000 feet and now the river is flowing down and the river, if it continues to do well, joins the ocean. If you force or expect the river to go back and join the source, that peak of the mountain, it's going to cause anger, frustration, anxiety. But if you assist, support, and celebrate the river's journey to join the ocean, how beautiful it becomes, how amazing and healing it becomes. And this is where the resentment happens. The parents are expecting to be loved the same way they love the child. And that does not happen. So a resentment builds up. And every parent dies with this unfulfilled wish that, "I wish my child loved me the way I loved them."
They do not feel that love. And it happens mostly in that peak age. In many cases, as the parents age, the children are aging too. So a lot of peace and harmony and healing happens. But the peak years when the parents are in their 50s and 60s and the child is in their teenage, a lot of pain happens. A lot of resentment happens. Now, this resentment is not just from the parents to the children. Now children also have their own unique resentment here. When a child is born, they only know and see two people, maybe grandparents, maybe a few relatives, but definitely, they are mostly exposed to a father and a mother. In many cases or in some cases, just the father or just the mother. But let's say they were exposed to the father and mother. They have lived with them, they have been raised, nurtured by the parents, both of them really well.
Now, the child only has one perspective of relationships of love. A girl knows only one man, that's the father. And her entire reality of a relationship of a masculine figure is through that man, the father. And a boy's journey is through the mother. He knows only one woman, and that's the mom. And he understands the woman through his mother. And the relationship they witness between the parents is the relationship they understand in their life. Maybe there are grandparents and a few relatives show up every now and then, but this becomes their primary introduction to the masculine figure, feminine figure, relationships, and so on. And then they're also clearly told, "This is how success is supposed to be in this life. This is what a failure looks like. This is how you're supposed to make your living. Live a safe job and a child."
Again, in a happy family, a child will obediently follow that advice until the child reaches an entrusting stage in their life. Let's say they leave their family home for a college or for a job or anything, and then they suddenly start to witness a new way of living, a new perspective, a new journey. And when they revisit the parents, the resentment is there because they feel betrayed, they feel disappointed. What they believed to be true turns out a very shallow and a narrow perspective based on how the parents wanted to create a safe and protective environment. And in cases where there is not so happy or caring parents and it's just toxic and abusive parents, of course, the resentment, anger is a thousand times higher, right?
But this is where the resentment builds up in both the parent and children. Parents are expecting the river to come back to the source and love them the way they love. They won't be able to love you the way you love them. But when your children will have children, you'll see them loving their children because the same psychology, the same energy exchange is now happening which happened with you when you nurtured your child. But then your kids will also go through the same trauma that you went through, the expectation that the river has to come back to the source. So not only parents die with this unfulfilled wish and hope, but children also live with this unfulfilled and half-love because they feel betrayed. They were made to experience and see life in a particular way, but they realize there is much more to life which they could not experience.
The becoming versus being, it's a battle in every other family. The family wants you to become a certain kind of human, become successful, become happily married, become a good parent, become so-and-so. But your awareness wants to experience being. It wants to bloom irrespective of what your lineage is, irrespective of what your background is. And then you are forced a certain way of religion. You're forced a certain habit and none of this is forced in a violent way. It's all happening in a subtle way that you do not realize that this is all becoming a golden cuff, a holy prison, a diamond cage. And when you realize it, the anger is on that volcanic level. So this is why when people like Buddha discover their truth, they have to leave the family because they realize it's not going to happen within the family, it's not going to happen within the controlled protocol of parents.
And I do feel there is a time to leave the house of your parents. In different cultures, there's a different expectation. I come from Indian culture and I live in the Western culture. So I can tell you two really interesting spectrums of this dimension and it might surprise some of you. In the Indian culture, you do not leave the home of your parents unless two things happen. One, you get a job or the studies or higher studies or college take you to a different city or a country. And second, you get into an ugly fight with your parents. And that is the only two options. You do not leave home because you want independence or you want to explore who you are. That does not exist. And if you don't believe me, you can explore websites like Quora or even YouTube, Google it. You'll find thousands of Indian kids expressing their trauma, anger, and suffering through it.
I personally, of course, know plenty of kids who are in their, they're not kids anymore, they are in their 40s, 50s, 60s still living with their parents. And you can tell there is major suppression and resentment and anger, but somehow, unfortunately, that has become their normal and they have accepted it as a way of life. And then the Western culture is on the other side, right? You get freedom by the time you are of a certain age, but then there's also less togetherness. Then there is less of that harmony, less of that healing together. And there is lots of other kind of resentment, anger, and escape. And you don't want to see your family because that love just didn't happen. There are drawbacks and benefits to both the situations, but I want to take you to a third possibility in this episode. Hopefully, by the end of it, we'll arrive at that conclusion. But now that we have spoken about the resentment, I want to talk about the specific questions that I got and we'll go through it one by one.
Now, the first question is what roles do the family dynamics play in influencing an individual's belief system and how they practice their spiritual belief? What advice do you have for someone who has a different spiritual belief or practice from their family?
You are supposed to have a different belief system from your family and ultimately, you should be able to let go of all the belief systems and dive into an experience of pure consciousness. That is the beauty, the purity of a human consciousness. So this is for the Leela listeners who are not parents yet, but you will have children at some point if you are interested. So when you give birth to your children, do not enforce your spiritual beliefs or religious beliefs on them. Let them bloom like an independent flower. Let them discover their own truth. Teach them about various religions and spiritual practices. Let them pick and choose where they feel more inclined. That would be so magical and so healing.
And you'll notice your ego, your protectiveness kicking in trying to control your children's experience of it. But that's where your healing will happen. That's where you can give them something. But for those who are already grownups and you have a different belief system than your family, and how do you handle it? You handle it the way you should be handling it, with courage, with calmness, and clarity. It does not matter what religion or belief system your family has followed. If you ask them, they probably have no logic or foundation of it. They are doing it because their parents have done it and so on. And you have complete choice and freedom to discover and rewrite your spiritual practice for yourself.
If you experience opposition, any sort of attack, control, then you have to use your force to calm down things. You have to explain to them, "This is my way of life, this is how I will live. And if this hurts you, I'm sorry, but this is where I'll find my blooming." And it's possible after six months you may not resonate with what you're practicing and that's fine, then you move to the next step. The point is not to be right here. The point here is to explore your way of life, your way of spirituality. Many of you know me as this spiritual teacher who comes from a certain tantric lineage, and many of you believe that I do what I do because of my lineage. And if you spend a week with me, and I hope that happens sometimes in this life, we get to spend time together practicing tantra meditation, you'll notice I see myself as someone who probably have disappointed the lineage in many ways.
When I started my work, I used to get phone calls from the closest students of my teacher. He's my father, right? So they would call me and they would tell me, "Does your father know you talk about this? Does your father know you're doing this?" Because in their mindset, if you are a son of a guru, you are expected to follow a certain protocol. You are expected to follow a certain path and a map. And that's true in many traditions. And it's true because no one has questioned it. Thankfully, I always questioned it. Thankfully, I didn't follow things for the heck of it. And thankfully, I also got the support and courage to keep showing up for it. I'll give you the latest example. Just a few days ago, I was telling my parents that if I was not born in this family, I would probably still follow the path of tantra, but I won't have any respect for religion. And they know that about me.
I respect religion because I have understanding and studying of it. And I know religion at the root level is not wrong, but the caretakers of it have messed it up completely. And it's possible when I say these things, my teachers or the students of my lineage may get hurt or disappointed that he is not following a certain protocol the way it should be. And I have to admit, when I was younger in my early 20s, this was a bit of a pressure that I have to follow a certain kind of spiritual path. But as I got to know myself, even as a child, when I got to know myself, I realized I'm just not cut out to follow someone else's path and it just suffocates me when I do it. So my advice to you is to simply practice. You may hurt someone, you may hurt their belief system, you may disappoint them, and that's all right. You're not here to be in alignment with your family's belief systems. And the sooner they accept it, the sooner healing will come. All right?
The second question is why do spiritual differences so often cause problems within the family dynamic? What can someone do to help ease these tensions if they choose to walk a different path from their family?
I'm a big believer that these things have to be handled with love and compassion and not with anger. You have to understand your family has a certain belief system because of their ideas, their life experiences. And when they force their religion, their belief system on you, many times it's out of good intention. They want to protect you, they want to make sure you are safe, you're okay because their belief in God is on a certain level and they feel if you don't follow what they follow, then the devil can come. The demonic energies can come and they can just eat you up. And they're afraid of it. They're scared of it. So many times, it's all good intention.
So one of the things you can explain to them with love and compassion is that you respect what they follow, but you also want to experiment and you may fail in it, you may succeed in it. The point is that you want to explore. In many cases, you can also give them a ride in your path sometimes. If you have listened to the episode with Henika Patel that I recorded a few weeks ago, it was about awakening and sensuality in tantra. Henika shared about this that when she opened up about goddesses and tantra, her mother questioned it, but then she also invited her mother to take part in those rituals and then the mother was happy. She was so joyfully supporting her. And that's such a beautifully inspiring story.
And if you have listened to my conversation with Madelyn Moon a few months ago, her relationship with the family and the way she explained was different than Henika, but then Madelyn had to draw really strong boundaries around the family to explain this is how it should be done, this is how it's supposed to be done. And both are super beautiful examples. It is, I think, good and essential to explain, discuss your way of life with your family so that they are at peace and you are at peace because there is a karmic contract you have with them. This is why you are here and they are also there for you. And if the conversation doesn't go in the right direction, then it is what it is.
But I do not want you to expect or even lead the conversation with this conclusion in mind that they should agree with you, they should celebrate you. It's a discussion, a conversation. The ego will say when this argument convince them, no. Even in this work, I hate to convince anyone to meditate, to join Leela. This is why even when we create the sales copy for the programs, one of my core message and request to the writers is, "Let's not make it a sales pitch." I hate to do that. Let's explain and share what it's all about. Pitching, convincing, I feel it doesn't create the right dynamic for any relationship. So yeah, this is what my take is. If they join the party, great. If they don't, let them enjoy their party and you enjoy your party.
The next question is there's a strong belief online that someone has to cut out their family or remove themselves from the family dynamics in order to go through spiritual awakenings. Is this true or is there a better way to heal within the family dynamic?
There is no right answer or a standard answer for this. If the family is outright abusive, unapologetically abusive, then you must cut the family ties. You have to remove yourself from that family dynamic. However, if the family is caring, sweet, supportive, but they just have a very different belief system, you don't have to remove yourself. You can open up, discuss, but also draw very clear, well-defined boundaries with the family. Healing within the family dynamic happens through acceptance, through understanding, through a consistency of discipline, meditation, action, intention. There is no one standard formula.
I truly feel the AIM formula, AIM, which is action, intention, and meditation, these three really work solidly well. Once you understand that it's just not working out with the family, be it my spiritual path or my personal growth, then you first set the intention. What is it you want? What are you tolerating? What do you need to let go of? What is it you need to accept? Set the right intention. Think of yourself as a seed who needs to be planted in a different ground to bloom and then build up a meditation practice and/or yoga practice. I recommend meditation absolutely because it will give you the courage that you need to move through this process. And after the right intention, the consistent meditation, you move for the action, the action that takes you to healing, the action that takes you through growth.
And it's possible when this is happening, you may have to distant yourself from the family, rediscover who you are, understand who you are. And for many people, it happens through ugliness. There's anger, yelling, screaming, hate, resentment. But my take is, do it with lots of love. You can cry, you can hug, you can have compassion. You can explain to them with a pure heart that it's just not working out, "I need to move away for a while, discover myself and I'll come back." And when you come back, you are a new you. You see them in a different way. And hopefully, they see you in a different way too. And sometimes they won't, that's okay. If you get stuck in that whole glorified idea of a family, you may never be able to heal.
I speak to plenty of people from different cultures who live in an extremely suppressed controlling family dynamic. But the attachment, the fear, the insecurity is so strong that they're not willing to move away to remove themselves from that family. I feel the newer generation, Millennials, Gen Z, they got more courage and daring to move into that direction. But the older generation, they grew up in a certain environment and they accepted the toxicity, they accepted the lack of boundaries. But when you know better, you do better. That's the take.
The next question is what's your advice for handling and healing the family dynamic, especially in regards to spiritually different for people who come from abusive homes? If someone does come from an abusive home, what's the purpose of this? How can someone heal from this?
I would like to mention the role of karmic contract here. Karmic contracts are so interesting because they talk about our past life connection to this life connection. There's probably a reason why you showed up in this life where there is abuse, where there is suppression, where there is complete toxic energy. And if that's the case, of course, removing yourself from that toxic situation is the number one step, first aid has to happen first, right? You got to stop the bleeding. And once it is done, I recommend building a spiritual practice, but also speak to the right therapist, psychologist to give you more context of what's happening. Combining tantra, spirituality with psychology is where the healing will happen because growing up in an abusive home can create plenty of damage in your relationships, your relationship with money, with love, intimacy with yourself.
And the good news is I have seen healing happening in many of these cases, but you have to do the work. The work requires investment in yourself. Join the programs, communities, work with a consistent business coach, therapist, psychologist, spiritual teacher, whoever works for you, whatever works best for you. It needs to happen because you deserve a better life. And in many cases, people do not show up for this basic level of work. And I'm reminding you and telling you, if you don't show up for this work now, you'll come back again and again and there's a possible chance you will go through the same kind of drama again and again.
But once you show up for the therapy, the healing, the spiritual work, it's very much possible and naturally organic for you to dissolve the karmic contract within this lifetime and you end up living this life with so much more peace, so much more harmony. Also in these situations, it's important to let go and forgive the abusive family members because the more you hold onto the anger, the more it burns you and it doesn't serve you. Your healing has to happen in a different playground. If you continue to be in that rotten ground, the seed will not grow. So remove yourself from that playground, move into a different ground, do the work. Within six months, your life will start to look different. Within one year, you are going to look different. Within two years, you are in an altogether different kind of life experience.
The next question is about soul family or finding your soul tribe. Often, people discuss the family you are born into is not your true soul tribe. And this can be especially easy to relate to when you have a different spiritual belief or perspectives on life from your family. Are there any tantra tips or advice to understanding who your soul group is and how to align with them?
I do feel there is, of course, a certain soul connection, karmic contract you share with your family. And it has its own course, it has its own purpose. Do not run away from it. Understand it, witness it, heal it, and then you will transcend it. And then there are different karmic contracts we have with other people at different points of life. They can be simply your friends, they could be the people you connect to through a spiritual program, a retreat, or you are part of it in some other gathering. Different kind of people show up for you in different chapters of life because we don't get what we want, we get what we need. And that's the generosity and abundance of the universe. It sends us the right people at a certain point in our life. I have come across people in my life that served a certain purpose and at that time, I hoped they stay forever. But they have not stayed forever, they have moved on, I have moved on, and newer people showed up and now they are there.
And again, my hope is they stay forever. But I also know they may not, I may not stay there forever. Rather than calling it soul family or soul tribe, which I also feel is such a marketing buzzword, I feel it's about the right karmic contract at the right time. People show up, they serve a certain purpose, they help you cross a certain bridge, you help to cross a certain bridge, and then you are both beyond that bridge. And perhaps the roads from there onward will be different or maybe they are the same. But if you create a new expectation that's a new obligation, a new drama you are going to create. The problem within the family started because they have a certain expectation of you and you wanted to run away from it because that's not who you are.
So if you impose a certain expectation on your so-called soul family, then they might run away from you at one point. So the point is, without spiritualizing or romanticizing it, honor and understand that there is a certain karmic contract I share with these people or this particular human. I'm showing up for them. They are showing up for me. In the morning, we have a beautiful relationship. And if it changes in the evening, then it is what it is. The problem with the human mind is when you come across someone or even a group who's beautiful, fulfilling you on a certain level, you want to possess them, control them, label them so that they stay with you forever. But the beautiful thing about friendships and the tribe is they're not obligated to serve you, you're not obligated to serve them. It's all based on love. And love wants to be free. Love does not want to be tamed. Love does not want to be controlled.
Now, two super important questions and that will conclude this episode. And this is no surprise that this is turning out to be one of the longest episodes of Leela Gurukul. Now, the next question is how do you cope with losing a child, especially when your partner or their parents are pressuring you to have another child? What's the relationship between a mother and being a homemaker versus a career woman, especially in regards to having lost a child or having a miscarriage? This question was sent to me on Instagram and I ended up chatting a bit more about the situation where this couple has lost a child and they have one child already and now they're being pressurized to have another child. But the male partner in this situation doesn't want to have a second child because he feels this is still healing for him and his wife, but the wife is being pressurized by her parents, by her parents-in-law to have the child. So what do you do in this situation?
You both are an adult, so no one should be able to force you for such a tender and sensitive thing. It's unfortunate that the parents in this situation cannot see beyond their attachment with the child. And I've spoken to many such parents in my life, many of them. And when I ask them, why do you think it's so important for your child to have a child? And their answers are based on attachments. Their answers are based on properties, who will take care of the property? Who will carry the name? And the thing is, when such parents force their children to have a child, of course, the child is born out of pressure, but once they have the first child, then they are pressured to have a second one, and then they are pressured to raise the children in a certain way. This drama, this circus does not end. So if they are pressuring you and forcing you, my question is, where is your force and your pressure?
You cannot be a puppet. You cannot be this robotic being that when the parents are telling you to do something, you're simply doing it. That is not honoring of the family. That's only contributing to the toxic poison of the family. You need to tell your wife to find who she is, to find her feminine energy, her motherhood, and give complete love to the child who's already there. And I know their child is probably a two or three-year-old right now. So you need to give the child all the love and care that she needs. This is how we end up messing up a fragile tender soul. The two-year-old has barely seen the world and now they are bringing another one with no intention, with only pressure, only pain, grief. Please don't do this. This is pure torture and punishment to your two-year-old. Of course, it's a punishment to you too, but you have normalized your punishments. But the two-year-old does not deserve this.
The second question is similar, so I'll read it. How can someone go deeper into their spiritual practice when in a romantic partnership? What if your partner does not have the same spiritual practice or beliefs as you? What if you are transcending your sexual urges and don't want to have sex with your partner and they don't agree with your belief system? How do you handle this?
When you enter into a relationship, it's the honeymoon period. Everything is perfect. Every song feels like the perfect romantic song. Every day feels like the perfect date night. Every touch feels like a healing touch. The frequency is similar. Like I said, we get what we are. So in that space and time, you both are getting what you are and it's working out well. But as you both move through life, your spiritual belief systems change, your spiritual journey goes through a shift. Your professional growth changes, your life experiences change, and you get to know yourself on so many deeper levels. So that's when it's time to reimagine, rewrite your relationship. If the couple is conscious and aware, it can be done through such beautiful ways.
And one of the most simple and easy things you can start to do is meditate together, minimum 20 minutes a day. And if your partner is not willing to meditate with you because they don't respect it, they don't align with it, but maybe they have their own way of connecting with themselves, maybe it's the therapy, creating art, going for a walk, let them do that. But if you can meditate, great. Because if you both are not doing the inner work together or separately, there will be challenges on that material physical level because you are designed to transcend the sexual urge. You are designed to evolve through the life experiences. But if one of you still wants to play with the same toy that they played 15 years ago, then there's a problem because you want to move into a different playground and they still want to play with the good old toys.
One of the key challenges that I've noticed in the couples is when one of the couple does not know or aware of their dharma, their life purpose, so other silly, useless things occupy the space. And the law of dharma says, "Life does not have a purpose, life is a purpose." This is what Leela is all about, the play of life. You don't have to try hard to find your purpose, but you have to show up consistently for your life energy and play with it, have fun with it. If you both empower each other, support each other, then the belief systems, the philosophies, the spiritual practices ultimately meet at some point. And I still feel they could follow a different spiritual belief system and you could follow yours, but the mutual respect, mutual space for them, that has to exist.
In the previous question, the wife is the homemaker. So I remember telling the person to encourage his wife to go out, start a job, find a hobby, work on it, because when you're sitting home binging Netflix, of course, the parents will pressurize you. And you have the space to take their pressure because there's nothing productive or meaningful taking up your space. The creative play of life is what's missing. And I'll end this episode with one word, self-reverence. Have this reverence, a deep sacred respect for your existence because then your decisions and actions will find the courage. When you have the reverence, it's not difficult to find the courage. It's not difficult to act on the courage. That's all for today. Be well, be safe, and please share this episode with those who will find it helpful and supportive in their growth. And of course, I do look forward to seeing you in the Goddess Rising. I'm excited to share it with you. Thank you for being part of Leela Gurukul.
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