Show Up for Your Art: Creating through Tantra
Welcome to a new episode that celebrates the power of self-expression.
Here’s what you can expect:
The Art of Showing Up: We explore what being present and committed to your art means.
A Personal Revelation: I share an intimate story of my struggles with the English language. Despite these challenges, I found a profound source of self-expression through my consistent meditation on tantra goddesses. This journey was about improving a skill and discovering a deeper connection with my inner voice.
Owning Your Expression: This episode is a call to all artists and storytellers to embrace their unique voices. We discuss the importance of owning your self-expression and not letting fears or societal norms hinder your creative process.
Creating Unapologetically: Dive into a discussion on how to make art that is true to you, regardless of external opinions or expectations.
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You hide the artist in you because when that artist needed the safety, love, support, validation as a child, it didn't get that support. So as an adult, you have become so trained to manipulate and systematically hide that artist in some dark basement of your subconscious. But let me tell you one thing about that artist hidden in the dark basement. Each artist is a sensitive soul. They are messengers of divine, they are healers in disguise. So even if you try to hide them, they'll still find you. They become your shadow. So what happens when they become your shadow? You start to fall in love with other artist. You want to love them, you want to date them, you want to marry them, you want to root for them, you cry for them, you laugh for them because the artist in you is still rooting for the artist to win.
But who's that artist? Is it the other or is it you that you wanted to win, but you couldn't? It didn't happen. You didn't create your art. You didn't finish that book because your expression triggered many people when you were a teenager, and that scared you. And you felt, if I own my expression, if I keep expressing myself the way I do, maybe I won't get the love, the affection, the acceptance from my family, society, culture, and so on. Let me tell you one thing. When you own your self-expression, when you create your art, it is meant to trigger so many people. It is meant to break the shackles out there, but it's also meant to empower so many other seekers, so many others who are longing to also release their shackles, who want to shed their skin, and they're waiting to hear from you. So create your art for not only the artist in you, but for many others who are sitting, hoping, and waiting that one day you will come out with your art and give them the validation that they need to create their masterpiece.
I am Chandresh Bhardwaj and this is Leela Gurukul. Namaste everyone, I hope you are feeling easy, cozy, and grounded. What if I tell you that the name of Leela Gurukul Podcast might change? What if I tell you I may start to work exclusively only for writers and painters, musicians, actors? What if I tell you I may start to write a movie this year? I'm sitting on all these bizarre, unknown, crazy thoughts. I have a problem. Whenever things move smoothly for me, I start to look for the next big intensity, next big fire. I used to judge myself for this, that, oh, I think I get bored. So I look for the next challenge. I start to make myself uncomfortable. Is that a problem?
And when I worked with creative coaches, my business coaches, they told me, "This is not a problem. This is a creative challenge that you love." And bless them for changing my mindset because now I own these challenges with a lot of pride, with a lot of love and compassion. Because if not for these challenges, I wouldn't be creating this podcast. I wouldn't be doing many things that give me a lot of joy and meaning and strength.
So I don't know from where to start this episode, there is so much happening. I guess I'll start from the story that really triggered and inspired this whole movement I'm sitting with. I was in sixth grade. I changed my school. I didn't change, parents wanted me to be in this fancier school. They worked really hard to get me into that school. I didn't want to be in that school only for one reason. It was mandatory in that school to only speak in English. You can speak in Hindi. This is India, by the way. So in Hindi classes, Sanskrit classes or regional language Punjabi, you could speak in the local... Your mother tongue could be Punjabi or Hindi, but at all other times, you are supposed to speak only in English. And this school was famous for training kids early on to speak fluent English. And I had terrible, absolutely terrible English communication skills.
So before I would go and speak to a teacher, or I know tomorrow I'll need to speak this, I'll train with my sister. I'll tell her, "So this is what I'm going to talk. What do you think? Is that correct?" Not that she was brilliantly fluent in English, but she would do her level best to be the good sister and empower me to speak in English. Or I would if my uncle is home. He was in Indian Air Force back then, so he had good English-speaking skills, so I would ask him. But he wasn't home obviously. He was in a different city. He would visit once or twice a year. But yeah, I would get very nervous. The social anxiety in me would really, really make me intensely nervous.
And as I recall this memory, I also realized the earlier school I was in where English wasn't mandatory, where there were not many strict rules around it, I used to have a lot of fun there. I mean, I used to sing and dance. So this is the CB Chandresh who was in third grade, fourth, fifth grade. I moved from that school after completing fifth grade. In that school, I used to direct stories and movies in the lunch break. So I guess I was having a lot of fun until I moved to this school and I had zero idea how do I fit in.
So one day I was unwell and I couldn't attend the school. Next day I walk in and I got to know my maths teacher checked the notebooks, which was a big deal because if they have checked the notebooks and if your notebook didn't get checked, you are in trouble. Not so much trouble if you were not present in the school that day. So I was safe, but I was scared. How do I tell her? How do I tell her that I was absent and you need to check my notebook? So there was this classmate sitting next to me. I manipulated. I hope he didn't, or maybe he did. He got to know. I don't know. But I tried to have him phrase this one line could you please check my notebook, that's all. And I asked him, "So how do I phrase it? That's a good way to phrase it, right?" So he helped me. He was one of the toppers in the class, helpful guy. He remained my friend for a long time, and then we lost touch after a while.
He helped me to phrase could you please check my notebook? And in South Asian schooling, the respect to teachers is big deal. So you have to start with ma'am, sir, and all of that. So I went to her and I said, "Ma'am, could you please check my notebook?" I was like, "Great, job done." She looked at me and she was like, "I checked it yesterday. Where were you?" And I said, "Ma'am, I'm absent." She looked at me thankfully with compassion. She loved me. Some of the teachers really gave me a lot of love in that school. So I always have so much gratitude. I had huge problem with many other teachers, but some of them were just... They nurtured me really well there with a lot of compassion and love. So she looked at me with compassion, with doubt that is he kidding or does he really not know how to say this? And she said, "Bhardwaj, it's not I was absent, it's I am absent." Sorry. I again said it wrong. She said, "Bhardwaj, it's not I am absent, it's I was absent because you were absent yesterday."
I acted really cool as if I knew what to say, but I... It just happened. So as a teenager, this is one of the problems we have. We want to be seen as if we know everything. Anyway, I went back to my bench and I wrote this quick statement that if I was absent yesterday, this is how you say it. This was me in sixth grade. Moving forward, I'm in New York in a business school and I still have the same problem. Of course, I was able to speak much better. The speaking skills, writing skills were much better, but I didn't realize they were still terrible for New York City. So I'm in this school in New York in business school, and my first writing class English, there were three levels. The first level, freshman year, first semester, first week, I got an assignment. I couldn't understand the assignment. And I tried my best to complete it.
The professor called me and he said, "You basically failed this assignment. You seem like a good kid. You passed one English exam to be in this class because if you didn't pass that exam, they would send you in the lower level of class, but you are here in the writing class. So you passed the other class. What happened?" I said, "I couldn't understand." And he explained me what needs to be done. And he said, "One more shot, complete it. I'll give you one more week." I completed again and he said, "This is as bad as the last one and I'll give you C minus. I can't give you anything better." So I was obviously sad, depressed, disappointed because so much had happened that year. I left India, I left all my friends behind, my grandma behind, my grandpa behind. I'm in this strange new city.
My parents were there though with me, but the rest of the whole friend circle... I was very close to my friends and I felt very lonely. Again, the challenge of not fitting in and the same old trauma of not being able to speak and write English, that again showed up. Because growing up in India, one harsh truth that I really learned and faced, English was never a way of speaking or communicating in India, it was always a status symbol. It was always about if you speak English, you are automatically on a certain level of society. And if you don't or if you can't, yeah, you are in terrible space. This is why parents work very hard to send you in English schools because they know just speaking English will change the future of your child.
So life continued in that college in New York. I was quite an okay student. And then second English class happened. I did fairly all right in it. And then only two classes were left for speaking and writing. One was an advanced writing class, and other was the speech class. Both scared me, especially speech class. I knew I cannot speak in public, to public, too shy, too introvert, too much of this inferior complex. What do I do? Where the heck I am? That was always the struggle. And during one of those years in college, my guru, my teacher told me, so randomly, "You have a career in writing and speaking. And whatever you do, writing and speaking will be such a powerful bridge for you." At the time, I was not planning on pursuing a career in spirituality or writing. I was working really hard to land at a job in Manhattan in some investment banking space, wealth management space. That was the only goal.
So I looked at him. His words did nothing to my heart because I knew I'm not good at writing, not good at speaking. And finance industry doesn't need that level of speaking or writing as long as I'm good in my work with the stock market and all of that. And I had interest in stock market, so I didn't react with anything. And he noticed it. Of course, he did. And he said, "Your grandfather wrote so many poetry books. He translated Bhagavad Gita, the Holy Text from Sanskrit to Arabic to Farsi in so many languages. You are his grandson and you write poetry." Although when I look back at that poetry, I will just call it cringe. That wasn't poetry in any way. So he said, "I know you don't believe this right now, but you will have a successful career through writing and speaking."
And again, I didn't say anything. And he said, "Do me a favor or do yourself a favor, start connecting with Goddess Matangi." So Matangi goddess is the tantric form of Goddess Saraswati who is the goddess of speech, art, expression, and all that good stuff. Tantric goddesses are much more potent, much more direct, tangible expression of energy than the religious or the Vedic goddesses. Before that moment, I never heard about Goddess Matangi. She is part of the 10 prime goddesses. So he told me to start meditating on her. I respected his advice and I casually started to meditate on that energy of the throat chakra and Goddess Matangi, and something really interesting happened within that few weeks.
I got into argument with security of the college. I was trying to get into the locker room. They wouldn't let me in because they said after a certain time, you can't get in even if you have ID. There was some glitch that day. And the little ego in me got really triggered. And that was a pattern for me for many years. I wouldn't pick a fight or argument with anyone of my age, it had to be someone much bigger, much more powerful than me. It would just give me some kick. And the reason why that was the case, I grew up in an environment, in a neighborhood where a lot of grown-up men would abuse, even physically, verbally, emotionally, they will abuse their sister, daughter, mother, wife every evening. So our house was in the middle of all of this.
Our house would've mantras and safe energy, but the house in front of us, behind, the left, right, everywhere you look, you would hear crying, angry yelling, screaming. And I used to feel so angry and helpless and very, very scared of just these men who were drunk, who were angry and beating the woman in the house. And when I grew up from sixth grade onward, I started going to gym, started boxing, and all of that. I wanted to be strong. Now I know why. So this pattern stayed with me for many years where I would pick fight with people who were much bigger, much more powerful. It triggered an anger in me that I just wanted to vent out the old anger on these new people now. So anyway, I got into this big argument with them and I was like, "I'm going to write an article against them that the security is sleeping. They don't know what they're doing."
I completed the article that was filled with anger, but I didn't know where to publish, how to publish an article in the newspaper. So within a week, I figured the right way to get your article published in the newspaper. I remember walking into the newspaper office. I loved the smell of paper and how the college kids were working so hard, so creatively, so playfully, happily to write for the newspaper. And suddenly my anger melted. I was like, "I'm just one step away from publishing my first article in this university newspaper." And it was award-winning newspaper. So I decided to change the whole game. I instead went to a different editor of the newspaper who was responsible for spiritual... Not spiritual, but more creative articles and opinions. And she said, "Submit your article and we'll have a look at it. If we like it, we'll publish it. It's as simple as that."
And I really worked hard on the first article. I threw the angry article and instead, I wrote this article titled, Think Before You Speak, It Might Just Come True, or Be Mindful of Your Thoughts, It Might Just Come True. That was the title. I wrote it. I didn't know how to write properly. So after I wrote the first piece, I sent it to a bunch of my friends who would edit and sent it back to me. And I submitted the article and I got an email, "We loved the article and we'll give you your column if you are willing to write these kind of articles every week for the college kids." And I was looking at the screen, the email, and I was laughing, and my teacher happened to be there also. We lived together. So obviously he was there.
And he said, "Why are you laughing?" I said, "I wrote this article and four friends helped me edit this and now it's there and they want me to write an article every week." And he said, "Oh, that's great. So when do you begin?" I said, "No, I'm not going to write an article every week because I don't know how to. I can't, it's in English." He said, "You will be able to write it, just say yes to them." And I was like, "Dad, you don't know how to write or speak in English. I don't know how to write in English. I'm barely speaking broken English. So yeah, who will do it?" He said, "You will do it." I always have this trust on his spiritual advice. As a father and son, I may not agree with everything he wants me to do. As a guru and student, I tend to trust and I'm glad for that.
So I was like, "He seems to be quite confident about this." And I needed the validation in college, to be honest. I was feeling such a misfit. I felt so bored, so disconnected every single day. So I was like, "I really enjoyed writing this even though I had to get it edited by four, five other friends, and these friends can still help me, so why not?" I said yes, and that got me the column. And then I also realized, oh, I have been meditating on this self-expression Goddess Matangi energy. So who knows? Something happened there. That gave me the confidence to deepen my meditation on Goddess Matangi. And I obsessively, sincerely started showing up for her. And it became a thing for me. Every night, I would do it for hours, every morning because my place, my position in college started to become stronger as a writer.
I was still finance and accounts major, psychology minor, and I was being known as this writer. Professors would call me to have coffee, students would email me because they need advice. So it gave me some meaning in college and I loved it. I loved every minute of it. And then the advanced writing class happened, and I was the only student in the class who got A plus in New York College. And that surprised me, that surprised the professor because she was my professor for the intermediate English writing. And she was like, "Are you taking private tuitions?" And I said, "I'm meditating. That's what I'm doing." And that last speech class, which I was supposed to take as a freshman, I took that in the last semester because they wouldn't give me the degree otherwise. I got A plus in that as well.
And since you're listening to this podcast, podcast is all about speaking. And I have published a book which Dalai Lama wrote the foreword for Break The Norms in case you don't know. You should buy the book. I think you'll enjoy it. Break The Norms was also the previous name for this podcast. And it feels very heartwarming to go back to that memory and realize one advice from my teacher took me to Goddess Matangi. Goddess Matangi changed everything in my journey. And right now she is bringing me to a space where I know my self-expression needs to win over my current attachments, fears, doubts, and insecurities. Because here's the beautiful thing about self-expression, the more you open your heart, the more this self-expression decides to become raw, real, powerful.
It's difficult to summarize every single thing I did because meditation was part of it, understanding throat chakra was part of it, going deeper into Goddess Matangi was part of it, but the results, the tangible results that happened, they were fascinating, magnificent. And when recently I started to reflect on my creative journey and how do I deepen it further, how do I start offering you something even more tangible, something even more exciting, it became very no-brainer for me to actually take my tantra work to help you unleash the artist, the writer within you. Because I was like, "For so many years, I have been talking about the wild feminine, the divine feminine, the goddesses, and it's been amazing, and now I want to take it even deeper." The goddesses helped me to unleash the writer in me, the speaker in me, the self-expression-empowered artist in me, and that is such a hot, fascinating, tangible thing to experience.
So this is where the Leela Gurukul journey is going. This is where my journey is going. And don't quote me yet because I'm still sitting in the mid of it. I'm still meditating on it every single day, but it's becoming so much more clear that I intend to help the writers and artists to not only finish their art, their book, but above all to help them feel empowered, liberated, and supported in their self-expression. And how do we do it? Through exactly the things that changed my journey. Tantra goddesses are not some fancy theory to talk about or to write poetry. There is all practical stuff that happens with tantra goddesses. Tantra work is the work for artists, creators, writers. Tantra work is all about tapping into your playfulness, unleashing your most empowered expression, and let it take a tangible form. So if my mastermind is becoming all about writers and creatives, then it's simply honoring of the tantra.
And many people have been reaching out that I never thought tantra for writers. I thought tantra is for sex, tantra is for sexual healing, tantra is for enlightenment, but tantra for writers, that's interesting. It's interesting because every artist is so sensitive, and I feel every artist has such a direct connection with the divine, and tantra can help them to cultivate the bridge between them and the divine. Tantra can help to experience the information, the experiences beyond the mind, beyond the thoughts, beyond what they have learned. And I want to share with you specific steps that you can take to unleash that artist within you.
Number one, show up for your art. Many of you don't even understand or willing to accept you are an artist. And you tell me very openly in the discovery calls, "Oh, I am not an artist. I'm not a writer." But by middle of the call, you start to tell me how you write consistently, and if you don't paint for a few days, you start to feel the anxiety. So then I asked the students, "You told me 30 minutes ago, you're not an artist, you're not a writer." And then the answer is, "Oh, I'm not published. No one has seen my art. I don't make money from it." It's such a tragedy that capitalism has taken over your creative expression. Our relationship with our sensuality, our relationship with money, relationship with our art, it's also butchered that we continue to sabotage our most authentic pure expression.
I guarantee you, it'll bring you all the abundance, but before the abundance happens, you have to clear the space. And clearing up space requires love, discipline, meditation, spiritual work, inner work. And showing up for your art is all about that promise to yourself. You don't need to define what that specific art is. It could be writing poetry. It could be watching cinema, creating cinema. It could be about writing screenplay. It could be about dancing every day. You don't need to define the art but start showing up for it. Bring in the discipline. And discipline here is not some rigid task that you must put on calendar. And discipline here is the act of self-love. If you love the artist in you, if you love the writer in you, you must show up for the daily art. One thing that I've started to practice is giving myself the sacred hours on a daily basis. I have recorded an episode on sacred hours a few months ago. I was in a different mindset then, but the teaching of sacred hours still remain the same.
Sacred hours are your dedicated hours that you give to your art. It could be writing, it could be anything you want to do. It could be as simple as waking up 6:00 AM, and from 6 to 9 you are simply writing, 5 to 7 you're simply writing. And if you have job early morning, then do it in the evening. Again, it's the act of self-love. And the moment you start to show up for it, your mind, body, nervous system, emotions, they will all support you. You don't need to define the art, you need to give love to that expression and everything else will follow. So when I started to meditate on Goddess Matangi, I was still writing every day, reading obsessively in the New York trains. And that was all for the love of the art, love for the words, and that love of the words showed up on the paper.
Number two, surrender. Surrendering is complicated, especially when others have not honored the surrendering, the vulnerability in you. I'm someone who has trust issues. I don't deny it. I'm not able to trust many people and experiences right away. And yet there is a part of me that trust people and experiences deeply. It's all about where I am in that mindset. The more meditation I have done, the more deeper I have gone, the more surrendering ability has showed up. When you don't meditate, you don't soften up. This is why honoring the inner feminine, honoring the wild feminine in you is so important. They don't teach you to surrender in school, families don't teach you, schools don't teach you because they don't know how to surrender. And I think there is no one method to surrender, but surrender is the method to everything.
You have to let go of the mind. You have to show up for the practices. The tantra work that will enable you to melt, to relax, to pause. And when the rational mind takes a backseat, your heart will start to crack open, and then information, intuition, beyond your thoughts, beyond your mind will start to show up. And unexpected opportunities will come to speak, to write, to share, and to do all the beautiful, amazing things that you always wanted to do. Number three, unlearn and learn. Creativity is a lonely show. Every time you wake up and you start to write, you'll feel bored, unproductive at times because it's not like someone is paying you to write. For so many of you, it's going to be simply writing for months and years. And the mind will question, are you getting paid for it? If not, why are you doing it?
Writing, painting, dance, writing stories, it's all a love letter to your inner child because your inner child is your most potent muse. The muse wants to hear from you, and for that to happen, unlearn how you were taught to suffer, unlearn how you were taught to hustle, unlearn how you were taught to fit in and learn how you could be raw, how you could own your untamed wild expression. Then your vibe will attract your tribe. You don't have to do this all by yourself. Then everything starts to change. And don't hesitate to invest in the right programs, right mentors, right tribe, because you need that as an artist. Artist needs nurturing, protection, love, guidance.
If I'm able to step into this work, there is a whole chain of mentors and coaches behind me, starting from my teacher, my guru, then the business coaches, the therapist, the creative coaches I've worked with. There are so many people that I still weekly speak to, to just unleash that expression out of me. You cannot sit in a closed room and expect things to happen, you have to wake up, move your hand. Because only meditation will not do the magic, only action will not do the magic, you have to blend in the combination of meditation, intention, and action.
And before we sign off, if you are willing and interested, and ready to be part of my Tantra Mastermind for writers, where we will meet every week and not only discuss and share the tantra goddesses, tantra teachings but also go through live writing experiences, answering your deepest curiosities for life and together nurture the artist in you. If that sounds exciting, email to me on info@leelagurukul.com and simply type mastermind, and my team, or I'll respond to you and we'll start to chat how you could be part of mastermind and how it'll help you to solve real problems that you're facing to unleash and nurture the artist within you.
And if a monthly membership community feels more exciting to you, where we speak once a month, and that's the Tantra Tribe for artist and storytellers. That will be opened up in a few days. So it opens up for few days. Sometimes once a month, sometimes once in two months, but you've got to be on the waitlist for that. And leelagurukul.com is where you can be part of the waitlist, and final notice in the next few weeks. I think so much will start to shift in the most exciting creative way. I don't know if I'm still changing the name of the podcast, maybe Leela Tribe for Storytellers and Artists with Chandresh. Very long name. If you have a better suggestion, email me or drop a DM text on my Instagram at cbmeditates.com, which a hundred percent is changing. I'm changing cbmeditates to something else. It might be just my name Chandresh. That's not available, but I'll think of something with simply Chandresh.
Thank you for listening. I hope this episode invoked, inspired, motivated you to show up for your sacred hours, show up for the inner muse, the inner artist in you. I would love to know if you have started writing your book, you have started creating your art. Be safe, be well, and I'll speak to you soon.
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Visit cbmeditates.com to send your questions and learn more about Chandresh's work.
